Done....for a minute (9/18/2019)

Here I am....8 years into this homeschooling a kid who learns differently thing. 4.5 years into this epilepsy mom thing. 3 years into this scoliosis mom thing. And how am I doing?? Terrible. Why??? Because life is just not always beautiful. It just isn’t. 

For about 2 years now I have been struggling. But the last 4 months have been my breaking point. It’s funny to me that 4 words are what sent me to the end of myself. And the fact that they weren’t “She does have epilepsy” were what did it, kind of makes me laugh. It was 4 very “silly” words. That aren’t even true. That came from a good place, but not a right one. The words “She just needs life-skills.” That’s it. And I guess really that is 5 words. But it feels like 4. 

If you asked me WHY thats what started my spiral of self doubt, of doubting every decision we have made, of crying in my closet every night? I honestly couldn’t answer you. Because I don’t even know. 

But here I am. Not doing life well. Pretending I’m ok, and I’m not. Not wanting to do much, but making myself anyway. Fighting HARD to prove she is more than that, and losing myself in the process. 

I learned this week that you should lean into your grief. Not push it away. And I realized what I have been doing. I have been trying to prove things to myself, because someone told me something that made me second guess myself and her. I wasn’t about to let that be true. Because it’s not. Not in the way it was said. She is SO much more than a diagnosis or a piece of paper. So. Much. More. 

Once again here I am trying to “fix it” in my own. Independently. I mean...yeah....I have prayed about it. Yeah, I read my Bible. Yeah, I go to church and smile and sing. But am i trusting and leaning into my grief and my God? Nope. Not in the right way. Not in the way that leads to salvation. Not in the way that brings healing and glory to the Lord. 

So....here I am. In middle of lots of things that have brought grief and heartbreak. And drowning. But today I am remembering that I have a sure and steady anchor. Sometimes life hits from every single direction. I want to use my trials well. I want to learn and grow and not fight to stay above water on my own. I want to come out of this with the words “God Did!” Am I there yet? Nope. Not even close. Am I one step closer? I hope so. 

“I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:1‬ ‭

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:1-14‬ ‭

Philippians 4:11-13

We all want our kids to be perfectly healthy and always happy. We all want them to flourish and grow and become whatever it is they want to be. But sometimes (ok....pretty much always) our idea of "perfect" and Gods idea of "perfect" are very far from the same. A few months ago I was talking with a friend and she said (paraphrased), "They aren't "wrong". God doesn't knit them together wrong. They are all exactly who He wanted them to be." I have cried a lot about those words. Because I don't understand. Because I'm thankful I don't have to. Because some days it feels very very wrong. Because even when it feels hard and wrong, I know God doesn't make mistakes.

When people quote Phil. 4:13 sometimes I get frustrated. It's never been one of my "favorites" because I feel like it's always taken out of context. But the last few days it's been on my heart.

I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. All things. Meltdowns, medication changes, seizures, countdown start-overs, tests, diagnoses, sleepless nights, tears....

Paul said right before that, “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”
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Those are the things He could do through Christ. Hard and easy, happy and sad, plenty and nothing. All of them made easier because of Jesus. When I was younger I would always quote "For I have learned in whatsoever state I am in, there with to be content" any time I was struggling. I didn't always become content. But I at least knew I could be. I didn't know that one day those words would mean a lot more. And I didn't know that one day, my least favorite "cliche" verse, would also mean so much more.

And I realize it's dumb to have a least favorite verse. But....that's real life y'all. 😏😊👍🏼

2 years, 2 days

So.....here I am. 2 years and 2ish days into this "Epilepsy Mom" life. Here I am at my limit. Here I am feeling like life is just going in circles. The last four months have been a huge struggle for me. It started with Abby being referred to a neuropsychologist to have her evaluated for a whole bunch of maybes, and escalated when I got some paperwork from her neurologists office telling us that what we thought was true, was not. Even in my very rattled, very frustrated, very very tired brain, I know that the results we read do not change a single thing. The fact that her first EEG was actually abnormal instead of normal doesn't change the fact that she has epilepsy. It doesn't change the fact that she has to take medication every day. It doesn't change the fact that we have doctors appointments and tests and schedules to keep up with. It actually changes nothing in our every day life. But it did change me. It changed how I read the tons and tons of things I read all the time about Epilepsy and the types of seizures she has. It changed my hope of her outgrowing them into planning for a future where she may not. It changed my doubts into truth. And that truth scares me to death. It changed the joy I had for each day, week, month she is Seizure free into a waiting period of "when will she have her next one." 

I know. I know. Worry does nothing for us except rob us of our joy. Fear is not from God. Obsessing over what I cannot change won't change it. But here I am. Stuck in a circle of doctors, tests, maybes, disappointment, and then start again. The circles are exhausting. The mood swings are exhausting. The waiting is exhausting. The maybes are exhausting. 

But in the middle of my struggle, and the circles, and the disappointment, and the new doctors, there is my God. My Heavenly Father. The lifter of my Head. Every time I'm at the end of me, He's there. Whether it's in a friends text, or a parents prayer, or a husbands hug.

Last night a dear precious friend shared a devotional with me that she gets in her email every day. This one was about Joshua and Jericho. About walking in circles and thinking it's never going to end. Asking God to move just ONE brick for you so that just for today you see his hand moving in your walking. So that the (what feels like) endless circles around a giant intimidating wall feels worth it. That's what I've been doing. Over and over again. Just give us ONE answer. Just give us one brick to hold onto. 

But as I was reading that tears just filled my eyes. I have been praying for the wrong things. Not that it is in anyway wrong to pray for an answer. To have some kind of relief from the crazy circles. I don't at all believe that's true. God says to bring all of our requests to Him. But He doesn't say to bring all your requests with worry. He doesn't say to bring all your requests with anger, or fear, or annoyance. 

It says this: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-7

With Thanksgiving. 

With. thanksgiving.

I'm supposed to come to Him with my requests with thanksgiving! Really?! A thankful heart?! With thankfulness for All He's done and all He will do, no matter how much it is, or isn't, "my way." Nope. For the last 4 months I haven't done that. For the last 4 months my requests have been more like demands. Or bargaining tools. Not thankful. Not even a little. 

So tonight, as I read about Joshua and that wall, I'm going to soak in it. In the 6 days before the walls crumbled. The 6 days that those people quietly marched. Not always believing tomorrow would bring victory. Probably grumbling that this was the dumbest thing they'd ever done. I want to march with a thankful heart. One that knows, even if I don't get to see the crumbling of walls I WANT to crumble, God will and does and has crumbled plenty of the walls in my life in His perfect time. And His perfect way. My job is to ask, trusting in His perfect love, and rest in that. 

These next few tests and results are hard ones. But my God does hard. And He does it perfectly. ❤️

His ways are not my ways...

Sometimes I look back at the last 9 years since Abby was born and I am just amazed by how much she has over come. We have struggled and fought and overcome things with her. She has struggled and fought and over come things on her own. And every single step of the way God was/is holding us up. She has more things to over come. She has a lot more battles to fight. Some we are ready for. Some I am scared to death to reach. Epilepsy is one we are in the middle of.
If you would have told me when I was 16 all the things my life would hold,  all the things I would have/get to watch my kids go through, I can promise you I would have done everything to stop what I could, change what I could, and hold on for what I couldn't. I'm glad I didn't know. I'm glad that God gives us what we can't handle. But that He prepares us and is there to let us fall on Him when it's just too much. Not because it's been a super fun ride. Not because I want to repeat it. But because through it I've learned so much about the character of God. I've learned that though His ways aren't my ways, His ways are good. I've learned that the "Footprints"  poem is more than just a poem. I've learned (and relearned over and over and over again) that when my faith is small His grace is sufficient. And trust me. My faith is definitely not even close to being as big as a mustard seed very often.
I have always heard about seizures and epilepsy. I have family members with it. Friends that have kids with it. Some very severe. Some that outgrew it. Some in between. And while I never wanted to imagine what a seizure looked like in my own child, I never thought past the seizure part. In my head a seizure looked like what they look like in movies. And I couldn't imagine watching that, or waiting for that to happen. Or knowing that it was going to happen several times a day. But, I just never realized that it's not just a seizure.
Epilepsy is making sure the meds are taken every day.
Epilepsy is watching your child sleep because seizures during sleep are terrifying.
Epilepsy is wondering if today's mood swings is from being tired, hormones, or a seizure that you somehow missed while watching your child sleep.
Epilepsy is having to tell everyone you are around a lot what to watch for.
Epilepsy is wondering how long these meds will work.
Epilepsy is wondering how the meds will effect other parts of the body as it treats the brain.
Epilepsy is watching the little sister be worried about the bigger sister and always wanting to be her biggest cheerleader.
Epilepsy is watching your husbands heart break a little more each time.
Epilepsy is a LOT of things. But it's definitely not just seizures.
As we walk through this journey, and have a bunch of side trails that keep us going in circles, I am overwhelmed a lot. I feel like I'm drowning a lot. I feel like I can't hear one more diagnosis, or symptom,  or issue that needs to be addressed. And every single time, God shows me that even if I can't, He can. He loves her so much more than we do. He knows what is ahead for her. He knows what I can't know.
At church on Sunday the sermon was about how to leave a church well. I know what you're thinking. What does leaving a church have to do with epilepsy!?  It doesn't really. But I was thinking, sometimes in life we have to leave things. Churches, schools, jobs, houses, families. The circumstances all vary. There can be so many reasons why we need to leave and move on from something. For us,  right now, we have left behind everything that was "normal"  for us. It started even before the seizures did. We have left behind our old,  easy,  everyday normal, and have entered a new,  scary,  hard journey. Did I leave the normal well?  Absolutely not. But can I do better next time? Can I choose to live our new normal with joy? Absolutely yes. I want to leave things well. And start things well. I want our story to lift others up. I want it to be a story full of hope, grace, and joy. I want to teach our kids that life doesn't always go the way we planned. And it's OK to be disappointed, and struggle. It's ok to cry and have sleepless nights. It's ok to ask why. But we won't live there. We will run to our heavenly father, and let Him do with what this crazy life throws at us for our good and for His glory. And when we fail, His mercies are new every morning.

If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."
DAN 3:17‭-‬18

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
LAM 3:22‭-‬23

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord . For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
ISA 55:8‭-‬9

10 years and counting

When you're little you dream about what life will be like. Maybe you dream you'll be a rich successful business person. Or maybe a huge basketball star. Maybe you dream that you'll be a doctor and find the cure to cancer. Or maybe you're like me and you just want to grow up to be a mom. You dream of the guy you'll marry someday, and occasionally are pretty sure you know who he is, when your 12. But, it wasn't him, or that one, or the guy who never knew your name but you sure knew his. Nope, it's none of those. So you grow up some more and you do some really dumb things because, well, you're not THAT grown up yet.

And then.... Suddenly... You're an adult. Living on your own. Paying your bills (and not very well). And having a great time being really bad at paying bills and doing really crazy stuff because you think you're smart enough to handle it. You get a super fantastic job that you love, and work part time at another job that's fun but exhausting. And then you start paying attention to who calls when you answer the phone. Because, let's be honest, you're the receptionist at that super fantastic job that you love.

There's this one guy who calls a bazillion times a day and he's ALWAYS cranky. Nothing is ever funny, and all he wants to know is if he can charge "this much money to such and such account." And there is never time to hold, oh no! You can either call him back (which you'll probably forget because it's only your 1st week full time at this super fantastic job, and you have to file 400 million papers...), or he'll try again later. Then one day, this really tall skinny guy with a hat and mustache (seriously...) comes in. At lunch you ask your new BFF (who used to do your job so she knows all the people) if that is the same guy who calls every day. She confirms it and you have a conversation about this guy. One thing leads to another and somehow you both decide that someone needs to make him smile a little more and be cranky a little less. So, you both text him and ask if he can watch your dog (which you don't have) while you're out of town (which you won't be) fully expecting a no. But, instead, you get a yes! And that my friends is the beginning of a happily ever after!

That was 11 years ago. 11 years ago I just wanted to know why he was always cranky. And I guess he also wanted to know why I was always so happy. He won tickets on a radio show to go to rodeo, and asked my friend if she thought I would go with him. She told him to ask me, so he did. That was supposed to be our first date, but it ended up being our 3rdish. And by then we were about as inseparable as two people can be  who live in different cities. Once after a date I accidentally left my keys in his truck, so he had to leave work, drive Moore from OKC, just so I could drive. It just so happened that I was off work that day, but I can't remember why. But I won't ever forget that. Because knowing what I know now, that was true love, yall. 

Our lives since then have not been anything at all like I imagined. We have been through things that I would wish on no one. And we have overcome things I would have told you we never could.

But you know what? God. Is. Faithful. And He has blessed me with more than I can even begin to express. I am blessed beyond measure. With a husband who not only loves us so much, but one who now also leads us THROUGH Christ. Y'all, there is absolutely no greater joy for my heart than hearing him pray, and read the Bible, and go on mission trips, and sing his beautiful heart out to Jesus. No. Greater. Joy. I am blessed. He is faithful through every hard day, every good day, every hard thing, every good thing.  I love this guy more today then I ever could have imagined back then. And I wouldn't want to do this terrible, beautiful, crazy life with anyone other than the guy I get to call My Husband.

For my good, and for His glory

So, he'll probably kill me, but that's ok. 

When I met the man I call my husband these days, I was absolutely NOT where I should be as a Christian. I was probably the worst possible example of what Jesus looks like. After we had Abby I finally gave in to my convicted heart and went to church. I was practically begged to go by one of my Aunts. I didn't really want to, but I finally did. Because I wanted my babies to know Jesus. As I started working towards forgiveness in my life and forgiveness for others, I started praying that my husband would come with us, too. I would (selfishly) get my feelings hurt when he wouldn't. Like it was about me and not about Jesus.
Finally I just kind of gave up for a while. I am embarrassed to say that. But I did. Then I met the girl who has become one of my best friends in the whole world. And together we did a bible study. Through that I learned I wasn't alone in my marriage struggles and I started making other new friends. I learned so many people weren't perfect and didn't have perfect marriages. So I started cautiously praying again. I was praying that he would just come to church with us. That's all. Just that one step. It was a small step. But I didn't know how else to pray. I just wanted him by my side at church.
Fast forward to last year. He had started coming occasionally. Probably 2 times a month maybe. And then, our lives got rocked. Hard core rocked. I didn't know what would happen, but I just begged God to not let my husband blame God. I honestly wasn't sure what was going to happen. But God did something much much bigger than I could have ever imagined. And He's still doing big big things. I have always been taught how good God is. And that's so very true. But y'all, God is also so much bigger than we think. He can do things that are absolutely impossible. He can literally move mountains.
My husband has gone from "church isn't for me, church people just aren't who I want to be around"  to falling on Jesus at the hardest days of our lives so far, planning on going on mission trips, doing Bible studies with us and learning as he goes, praying for us when life just stinks, encouraging me through verses by text, being baptized with Abby. I am so very humbled that God has done so very much more than I ever imagined or even prayed for.
This last year I have learned that not only is God good, He is very very big. My prayers have become bigger. My doubts have become smaller. God can do miracles. He can move mountains. He can break down walls. He Can!
I have always been one that asks why hard, bad, awful things happen. I ask God why he allows them. I have never doubted His Goodness. But I have questioned His ways. This last year God has become so much bigger to me. He didn't work in the ways I wanted. He didn't make things all happy and peaceful and fabulous. But in the middle of our big huge mess, when we were completely broken, He made it for our good and for His glory. Y'all, God is BIG!!!!

Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord .  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

All the things

Ever since last year when our life as we knew it was rocked, I have been overwhelmed with STUFF So easy. Things that used to matter no longer do. The way we plan our lives will never be the same. The things we did as a family now have a hole in them. And I have been praying about what we need to do to heal, and move forward, and live for things that matter. I have had it on my heart a lot lately that we just need to simplify. Then, last week I watched some little people for a friend. While we were there I discovered their play room and how few toys were in there. And I watched the kids play with those toys. Something amazing happened. They shared because there was only one set of blocks that made a puzzle. They made up their own games with the riding toys, and even shared those because there weren't enough for all the kids with mine there.

And that's when it hit me. I knew what we needed to do. We have SO. MANY. THINGS. Things in every corner of the girls rooms, and closets, and all the dog toys, oh my!!! So many things no one wants to pick them up because it's even overwhelming to the little people. So many things drawers are overflowing and there's just no more stuffing anything other things in them.
I'm just so very overwhelmed with things.
So, the next day I purged one of the bedrooms. I got an entire black trash bag FULL of THINGS. And you know what??? Not one of my children have missed a single thing in that bag. I had a few moments of mom guilt for getting rid of a cash register that they love even though it's broken and doesn't work at all. There are still "too many"  toys in one of the drawers. But for the first time in forever (you know I just got that song stuck in your head, you're welcome) when I sent them to clean up their mess, they put all the toys in the drawers and NO ONE was overwhelmed. NO ONE threw a huge fit (there was a small one, but I'm still calling it a victory). It was amazing. We still have a lot more purging to do. And I know for a fact it's going to be baby steps for all of us. But if we could live in a 1 bedroom, 600 square foot, apartment for 7 years, 4 of those being with 1.5 kids and then 2.5 kids the last 10 months of it, we can most definitely live smaller than we apparently think we can in a 3 bedroom house. Our kids didn't die from lack of things. They didn't even need to be hospitalized for lack of space (although the mold almost did make that happen).
I want all of us to be thankful for what we have. To use our time, money, and efforts to build our family up, not fill up closets and attics.

So, thank you to my friends who purged and gave me the inspiration to move forward with ours. For the last year I have seen that it's not how many baby doll we have, or how many wrestling figures can fit on a shelf that matter. It's the hearts of my kids, and my husband, and myself that matter. It's how we spend our time together, not how much money we spent on a toy,  or a birthday.

We will most definitely have a lot of days where we are kicking and screaming and completely against it. I am positive that we will fail sometimes and need encouragement to keep living simply. And while I don't think every single person I know needs to throw away all their kids toys in order to learn that lesson, for us, it's where we will start. One big black trash bag, one picnic outside, one play dough bird house, one coloring book, one math lesson, one nap time, one melt down, one big huge mom fail, one walk around the block at a time.

1 Corinthians 10:31
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Standing still and letting God move (but not before I threw a fit and fell apart)

I have been thinking for a while about writing a blog post about what all God has done the last year. It's a huge story with so many twists and turns that it feels impossible to say everything I would love to say, and not say anything I would not love to say. So, instead, I am just going to share what is on my heart.

One of my favorite chapters of the Bible is Isaiah 40. The whole chapter. I have a lot of favorites, too many to mention on one post. But that one is definitely in the top 3. I love how it talks about the greatness of God. How He is so big, and nothing is here without Him. When I am struggling with why hard things happen, I read it. And even though He hasn't made all things new yet, He is making me new, and He WILL make everything else new, when He's ready.

This last year prayers that I have prayed for 7 years have been answered. Prayers that so many others have prayed for even longer than I did (and I wish I would have been then) have been answered. But if you would have told me HOW they were going to be answered, I can promise you I would have done everything in my power to change what our story is now. Not the good parts. Not the parts that I praise God for every day. But the hard parts. The parts I wish I could take away and never ever had anyone in my family experience. The parts I wish I could erase and make better for myself, my husband, my kids. But on the days when I am struggling the hardest and want to take the pain away from the people I love the most, I am reminded that without that pain, we might not have been brought to our knees. We might not have lost all control and had only God to pick us up.

I have learned throughout my life that everyone has a story. Everyone. A good story. A bad story. A hard story. No matter how their story goes, everyone has one. I have learned that no matter what your story is, you aren't alone in it. While even people who have been through what you have still won't know exactly your hurt, or joy, or sorrow, or anger, there are so many people who can relate. No matter where you are or where you've been. I have learned that the church isn't full of people who have it all together. It's full of hurting, broken, imperfect people, who just love Jesus, and want love Him more. I have learned that sharing your story with people is a good thing. I have learned that it's amazing to know you are NOT alone, and that God can do big things in the middle of yucky places. And I am more thankful for the people I have met and become friends with in the middle of our broken, hard, yucky stories, who have helped me grow and given me a place to cry,  than they will ever ever know.

Watching God change my family has been the greatest blessing of my life. I say a lot that He's changed my husband, but it's not just him. My heart has changed in so many ways. I will never be the same as I was a year ago. 9 months ago. 6 weeks ago.

If you would have told me a year ago that my husband would be who he is now, I probably would have laughed at you. If you would have told me that he would be reading his Bible, praying for us, going to church with us, giving with us, serving in our church with us, even going on mission trips with us, I just wouldn't have believed you. I love him so much, even when our marriage was at its worst and I didn't know if we would make it. But now, I can tell you, that I have never loved him more than I do now. Even on days when we are frustrated, or sad, or mad. The joy in my heart watching him lead us in the middle of so much brokenness has shown me once again that God can ALWAYS Turn our mess into a message, and our tests into a testimony.

As I see so many people I know going through so many hard things. Child loss, divorce, sickness, infertility, money trials, so much heartache. I just can't get over how BIG God is. Somehow He always gives us exactly what we need for the next step. Somehow He prepares us or those around us to be there when we need our pieces picked up. He never ever leaves us. He never quits working behind the scenes to work everything for his glory and our good. Even when it hurts so bad we can't breath. Even when we can't see the whys.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;  but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

When Christmas changes (12/14/14)

This year I haven't been very excited about gift giving and getting. This year we have been fighting for a lot in our little family. It's been hard. And yucky. And just plain ugly sometimes. I haven't cared what I need to get anyone for Christmas. I haven't wanted to even think about Christmas. This one is going to be hard. And while more than anything I just want the girls to be happy,  suddenly presents under a tree don't qualify as "happy". Now,  when something happens that is hard,  and we have a win,  I am happy. When we lose,  I fight harder. And most of the time I just run to Jesus. Because He's all I have. I have an amazing husband, wonderful kids,  great parents. But even with them,  I just need Jesus. I don't want to complain. Jesus has met every need,  he's made miracles happen,  and He's given us peace and joy that is beyond understanding.
Even on the hardest days,  He's never let go. Even when I just cry,  He gives me exactly what I need. But we still live in a broken, fallen world. And even in the joy and peace,  there is heartache. There is frustration.
I just started reading Job,  and one of the commentary notes says that Job never sinned. But you know what he did do? He begged God to make it stop. He even begged God to just kill him and put him out of his misery. He knew his suffering wasn't because of his sin. But he didn't understand why he had to endure it anyway. Even when he was in the depths of despair,  even when he asked God why,  even when he was just broken, God says he didn't sin. Because even when he just wanted it to end,  he STILL trusted that God was faithful. He still believed that while he was miserable, had horrible friends, and a wife who just didn't get it, God was still in control. I am thankful for his story. I am thankful that it's OK for us to be broken and confused and even done with suffering, and God still loves us. He still holds us. And He still wants what is best,  even when his best sometimes feels very much like the worst. I will never understand the way God works and the things he allows in our lives this side of heaven. Not ever. But I am VERY glad I don't have to. I  am glad I don't know the future. I am glad I get to see the things He does when I don't know how good could come. I am thankful that while This world stinks,  and bad things happen,  I have a God who let's me come to Him with every part of the brokenness,  and frustration, and He loves me anyway.

October 15

Someone once told me :::coughmymomcough::: that "It is how we grieve that brings more pain or healing."

The last year has been a strange one for me, dealing with, well... strange things. I had to deal with some issues that I struggled with for a very long time. And in doing that, I found some closure that I never really had. I have also realized that some things in life won't have closure. Some things will not be completely clarified or "ok" until Heaven. And I'm ok with that. I don't want all the answers or reasons. God has worked way to many miracles in my life, and turned so many "meant for bad" things into "for my good" things.

That being said, it definitely doesn't make every thing easier, or all better. My heart breaks into a million pieces every time a baby is lost. When my momma lost my baby siblings, when my aunts lost my baby cousins, and cousins lost theirs, and so many of my friends. And when I knew I lost mine. Mine was different than the other stories I heard. And honestly I felt/feel selfish sometimes missing my baby I didn't know, because I still GOT a baby in the end. But I realize now (even though saying I'm still struggling with it would be an understatement) that doesn't mean I am not allowed to grieve for, and miss, and wonder about the one who's missing. I am not depriving my child of love by missing and being sad there weren't two who came home with us.

I used to always say, "I'm so glad she's not a twin", though jokingly, about my oldest. But no matter how many messes I have to clean, or how many days I cry because I am not sure what else to do with her, I am never ever ever "glad" my tiny tornado isn't a twin.

This is my third October 15th as a mommy AND a sister and cousin of a infant/pregnancy loss baby. And this year is not any easier. ♡

Kenzys first official potty day

I have been promising to start potty training for a while now. But I kept putting it off. Turns out I hate that my last baby is so big. Who knew. But the last few days she has been taking her diaper off every time she uses it. 

This morning she did it again and I figured, why not. We have to start sometime, might as well be now.

I told her the diaper fairy came and only left enough diapers for when its dark and she goes to bed. She was cool with it. I brought the potty chair to the dining room (don't judge. We had to do school too. Two birds....) told her not to go potty in mommys floor (fully expecting just that), and we were off! Potty training officially under way.

First of all, I have to be completely honest. Calling it potty "training" would be a complete and utter lie. There was absolutely no training done today whatsoever. Not kidding. Unless telling her not to go on the floor counts. On second thought, now that I think of it...I'm counting it!!

I sat her on the potty, we sang her ABCs, and.....nothing.  Two minutes later something shocking happened. She said, "Uhoh. I peepee." Naturally I'm thinking, "And so it begins, the first of a day full of accidents." But before I can ask where the inevitable mess was made, she is running to the potty like a penguin. If penguins ran to the potty. I just stand there staring. She goes potty, stands up and yells, "WOOHOO!!! My do it! My pee!"

And that, my friends (if you're still my friends since I was somehow blessed with the two "easiest kids to potty train in the planet"), was how Kenzy was potty trained.

Before nap time there was not one single accident. Not one! After nap time I decided to try panties. She got two pairs wet and we went back to just her long t-shirt, and so far so good! She even had a successful poo! It freaked her out at first, and she ran to find more Dora panties to finish in, but she was quite proud to flush it down the toilet and announce to her daddy,  "My poop swims!" 

All in all a very amazingly shocking successful day. I couldn't be more proud of my little princess and I'm hoping tomorrow is just as great. Hopefully my brag session doesn't jinx me. I know a few of you are probably wishing it on me. ; )

Here is a picture that someday she will hate me for.
Every princess needs to have a Coach Purse, Princess boots, and pretty hair to start out a successful potty day. ;)

When littles speak....

After a few weeks of very rough school time this momma has decided we are going unconventional. We will still be doing Abeka and we will still have books (I'm not that creative) but if she wants to stand on her head to do school she can! I have put too much pressure on myself to make her do school "the right way." Isn't the reason for homeschooling to cater to my childs needs and not the rules of a classroom? Don't get me wrong. I'm NOT a good "out of the box" kind of girl. Unless its food....then I don't like it out of the box. Yuck!
But I digress. I've had way to many bad mommy moments lately and I truly believe that this is what I am called to do in and for my family right now. So instead of screwing up my kid by screaming at her for not knowing what word rhymes with Fire and Wire (even though there is a PICTURE of it on the page......), I'm going to learn how to teach her the way SHE needs, not the way the books say I should. My daughter is very smart, can read and do math better than I EVER imagined she would be able to at the age of 5, and I need to start seeing how far she has come and not how much she has left. I'm embarrassed to say it took a very unlovely mommy fail to come to this conclusion, but I'm thankful for second chances and a sweet baby girl that forgives her mommy even when I totally didn't deserve it. Its time for me to start learning from her gentleness and laughter! And next week, when we have a melt down, we will both get a time out. We will both get to think about our reactions to the situation. And we will both learn together how to be patient, and love each other better.
Who knew a 5 year old could teach me so much! God definitely blessed me by letting me borrow her. <3 

Matthew 19:14 KJV
But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

His eye in on the sparrow.

I have been thinking about Gods grace. I'm thankful for it ALL the time. But sometimes more than others its a lot more evident. When tragedy  strikes. When a role model let's you down. When things just seem to be falling apart. Some people I know turn from God in those times. Even blame God. I can't say that I've ever blamed God out right. But more times than I can count I have asked Him why. Pleaded with Him to just tell me WHY so I could move on. I don't think its wrong to ask why. God knows I'm human. I'm not all knowing. I'm an emotional, visible being, trusting in an all powerful God. I know that in my head and my heart. But sometimes just a little answer to why seems a lot easier than just trusting His plan. That's when God gives me little pushes. When he makes something just a little easier. When He gives me peace in the very middle of my storm. It doesn't make my storm go away. But it makes it easier to bear.
HIS strength is made perfect in MY weakness. If being weak is how I grow stronger then maybe that's my why. If my storm was easy would I cry out for His hand? If my trials were just "What to make for dinner" would I know the power of His grace? That would be an all inclusive "nope!"
So maybe next time when I don't know why, and my heart cries out for healing and grace, I can be thankful He brought me to it so I can learn to let Him bring me through it.

"Why should I feel discouraged,
why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely,
and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion?
My constant friend is He.
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me."

When I was just a little child, no higher than your knee....

When I was a little girl my grandma told me that you should never get frustrated when the traffic is backed up, or you get stuck behind a VERY slow car, because it could be God keeping you safe from what lies ahead. When I got older my dad said the same thing. And a few times I have seen the evidence of it. But lately I have been noticing that it happens in real life too. A really slow "car" gets in my way and I'm so frustrated. But a little ways down the road I see what that "imperfect timing" was preparing my heart for. And it turns out it was right on time! Sometimes there are road blocks, or pot holes that give you flat tires.  Sometimes its a curb you hit because you weren't paying close enough attention. Then other times its a friendly push uovthe hill to the gas station because you're just plain outta gas! The last few months I have hit a lot of curbs, had a few flat tires, and ran out of gas countless times. But God has always been there to get me out of it. Either with a jack (aka parents) to change my tire (aka attitude), a friendly tow (aka friend(s) ) to get some more gas (aka uplifting words), or curb to get my attention when I forget to watch where I'm going (aka the Bible and my pastor).
I'm thankful for life lessons and a Godly heritage that have taught me how to apply them. God has done great things for me. The greatest is eternal life with Him in heaven. But He didn't stop there. He has given me the tools and guides to help me become His best for me. I am so very unworthy. But forever grateful!

"When I was just a little child no higher than you knee,
My momma bought a box of crayons
Just for me.
I picked them up, and I opened them up and I looked way down inside,
And the colors they reminded me of Jesus when He died.
Red is the color of the blood that he shed.
Brown is for the crown of thorns they placed upon His head.
Blue is for royalty in which He did dwell.
And yellow is for the Christian whose afraid to tell"

I choose Reeces Peanut Butter Cup Mix, Thank you!

I have been thinking about choices lately. Every day we are faced with so many choices that we don't even realize that's what they are. I choose what I will eat for breakfast. I choose what I wear. I choose to spend entirely too much time pinning things at night and get very little sleep. I choose to teach my daughter. I choose to lose my mind. Well, maybe not exactly, but I did choose to have children so same difference.
Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes we make bad ones. Every single day our lives are made up of a thousand different choices. Every choice has a consequence. Good or bad there is one. Even if it's little. Even if it's big. (Oh great...I'm channeling Dr. Suess...)
I sometimes over think the craziest choices. For instance, "Oh! I need to wear this shirt tomorrow because I'm going (insert destination)." Or "I need to lay on my right side because I was laying on my left side when I got up." I know. Crazy right? Don't worry. I do it to the big ones, too. Only worse. Much, much worse.
Through some much needed reading, Bible study, and some very dear friends (who will remain anonymous) I have come to the conclusion that I have let my bad choices run my life. Not only that, but I have let the guilt of those choices become my idol. I revel in the misery I so deserve.
But what about being a child of my Heavenly Father? What about being saved from my sin? What about that blood that cleanses all my sin? What happened to keeping God my God? Why do I think, instead of asking forgiveness, learning from my choices and their consequence, and moving on to higher ground, that God wants me to live a miserable, broken life?
It seems I have forgotten the things I have known my whole life. Jesus came to this earth, died on a wooden cross, suffered in pain and agony, and DIED for all of those choices I have made. And then, instead of staying dead and leaving me hopeless, He arose. He defeated MY sin and death. And He loved me enough to suffer to prove it. If He could do all that for me, who am I to put who I am and what I am before Him. Who am I that my sin is too big for His blood? Who am I that my righteousness (Ok, unrighteousness, but I sure can act like I'm righteous enough) is good enough to make my good days good enough? How silly I have been! God doesn't expect me to never mess up. He expects me to mess up, tell Him I was wrong, and try again. I can't say I won't ever be less than anything I am now. But I can say I am redeemed, saved by the blood, on my way to heaven, never to lose that promise of forever, despite my humanness. I am thankful for the cross, the blood, and the empty tomb!

In my wildest imagination
I would have never even thought
That someone would give His life to die for me
On an old wooden cross.
But there's a man who gave it all
On a hill called Calvary.
He was mocked and ridiculed,
Spat upon and beat.
His own Father turned His back,
And his mother watched in tears.
There has never been a moment
When I thought I was worth it all
But He suffered and bled
And died on that tree,
And would have done it just for me!
-Author -TA

The Lord is Near

The Lord is near!

The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them. The Lord preserveth all them that love him: but all the wicked will he destroy. My mouth shall speak the praise of the Lord: and let all flesh bless his holy name for ever and ever. (Psalm 145:18-21 KJV)

It seems like the valleys we have in life are always leading to something greater. Preparing us for what is on top of the next mountain. The mountain tops of life are always amazing. But they seem to mean so much more when the valley was rough and the climb up took all you had. We would never be thankful for the view without the work to get there. I don't know about you, but my valleys are only survived by letting God carry my packs. The longer I try to worry, and fix, and cut down all the weeds and ignore the offered hand, the longer it takes for me to get out! But God didn't send me through the valley to see how hard I would struggle on my own. He sent me to see how big my faith will grow. Verse 18 says "the Lord is nigh unto ALL them that call upon him." All He asks us to do is call on Him and He is there. "To all that call upon him in truth" or "faithfully". It seems to me that, while we all know God knows everything that we are going through, even before it happens, He still wants us to tell him. Cry out to him and "he will also hear their cry, and will save them." I think that some of the trials, or valleys as I like to call them, are not given to us to see how well "WE" can get through it. I believe God gives them to us to teach us that leaning on him, crying out to him, and finally giving it to Him, was all he expected from us. If we try to do it on our own, where would our praises come from when we made it through? Where would our faith grow? What if we didn't "make it through" the way we thought?
Since becoming a mother I understand more and more the way God loves His children. It amazes me that as much as my girls mean to me and are my heart, how very much more God loves me! He loves me enough to let me fall down so I can reach up to Him to help me back up. He loves me enough to let me make the wrong choices, even though He has told me the right ones, so that I can learn to trust Him more. He loves me enough to say "Well done!" even when I didn't do it perfectly. God wants us to share with him our hurts, our failures, our victories, the broken hearts. He wants us to tell him about our day, whether good or bad. He wants a relationship with us. When my kids cry out to me, I reach out to them. I sometimes can't help if they don't use their words to tell me what they need. Even when they are babies we mothers learn their cries. The one that means they are hungry. The one that means they are tired. The one that means they are dirty. And when they just need to cry because, well they just need to cry! God wants us to use our words, and he knows our cries.
God doesn't want us to just assume he knows what is going on and expect him to fix it. He DOES know what is going on. He knows even before we are born all the trials that we will face, and the mountains we will climb, and the view we will get to see at the top of each one. But how we handle the trials, and how we react to the climb, is our own choice. Will I call on Him, tell Him my heart, grow my relationship, and let Him draw nigh? Will I try to figure it out on my own?
I challenge you (and myself) to see the valleys for what we are to learn through them, and not how quickly we can escape. And when we make it to the top of another mountain we can say, "My mouth shall speak the praise of the Lord: and let all flesh bless His holy name for ever and ever."

When I grow up....

Sometimes my heart feels so full of so many emotions that I have to get it out. This is what i have been thinking since I woke up this morning:
When I grow up I hope to be as faithful and dependent on God as my "little" cousin and her husband have been these last 4 months (and even more because it started with an ultrasound that seems so long ago.) Seeing how Gods grace has been made completly visible through their testimonies through trials I cannot even imagine has brought so much to my heart. My heart is aching for them and all I know to do is pray. But God has given them a peace that definitely passes all understanding. While my heart is broken for them, I'm also in awe of the Grace I see in their lives. God can and will work everything for His glory if we let Him. But how often do we let Him? How often do we cry out and beg God for that grace, because its the only way we can get through our trials, only to to be so caught up in our own sadness that we completely miss it? Logan may not have had a very long time on this earth, but he definitely taught me a whole lot more than some people I have known for my 30 short years. And God gave him parents that could use the way God made him for His glory. I can't help but wonder if I would have been up to that task. I selfishly hope that I am never put to the test. But my prayer is that I would hold onto that Grace and Mercy with all my might and let Gods glory shine. Its funny how we always expect the "older and wiser" to be an example, but God uses the smallest and most fragile. Wow!

Deuteronomy 4:9
Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy sons' sons;

Well Glory!!!

In October of last year my grandpas already troubled health started getting much much worse. By November the doctors said that his kidneys were not working right. Grandpa had a pretty good thanksgiving (it was always his favorite) and even a pretty good good Christmas. By January we knew it wouldn't be long before grandpa finally got to go home.
The doctor came into the hospital room to tell him and grandma that his kidneys were no longer filtering. He told them he didn't want to do dialysis because of his health. Grandpa said he didn't want it. The doctor, trying to make sure he understood what it would mean, asked him if he knew what that meant. Grandpa said, "yes, I'm going home." The doctor, thinking Grandpa didn't understand the question asked again, "Do you know what will happen if you do not do dialysis?" and my grandpa said, "yes, I'm going to heaven."
That is probably one of the most reassuring stories that I have ever heard. He was not afraid of the next step, because he knew exactly what it would mean. I am so very thankful that on that Mothers Day so long ago my grandpa answered Gods knocking on his hearts door and said yes.
He was a man who was my hero, a man who had a ton of grand kids but could make you feel like you were the one he loved most right at that moment (I really was the favorite, just don't tell anyone else...;) ), a man who gave his life to bring others to the savior who saved a sinner like him. A man who loved his wife, and family, and church.
I was thinking back about some of my favorite times with him. I remember playing hide and seek in the church (a couple of them) and getting caught and scolded, but seeing the twinkle in his eye. I remember when he would call and say, "We are going fishing, make me some Peanut Butter and Jelly" and hang up before you even got to ask what time, how many, and what kid of Jelly. Lol I remember on those fishing trips sometimes he would go out in his tube in the middle of the ponds and yell at us to be quiet because we were scaring the fish away. Lol I remember sitting in church with him and giggling when he would scare the congregation with his "WELL HLORY!" and "PREACH IT" and "mmmmmhhhmmmm, that's good stuff" or finish a sentence for whoever was preaching. I remember sitting there just talking about anything and everything and sitting on his lap while he told me about my dad, or about Jesus, or about the football game that was on tv. I remember him scaring the daylights of us by coming in a room and yelling at us just because it amused him to see how high we would jump.
I'm not gonna lie. Every once in a while I felt extremely selfish during those last few weeks. I wanted to keep my grandpa forever. Jesus was supposed to come back before he took him. It's no fun to say goodbye on this earth no matter how exciting the next hello is going to be.
But when all is said and done I would not ever ask him to stay and be so sick. Even though my heart hurts for myself, and my grandma, and my daddy, and all the rest of my family, thinking of him in heaven rejoicing makes it worth it. To know he isn't hurting or struggling anymore gives peace. To know exactly where he is and how much he longed to be there gives a peace that definitely passes all understanding.
The family that was around when when he went HOME tells an amazing story of Gods grace and peace. He didn't struggle or fight, he didn't have pain. God let him come peacefully before him. What a blessing!!!!
At his funeral we had church. It was one of the best church services of my life. It was one of the hardest of my life. But more than that it spoke of my grandpas testimony, and character. He sold out to God. He wasn't perfect. He was a SINNER saved by GRACE. And he was proud of it. I can't even imagine where all 136+ of us would be if it wasn't for that grace. God blessed our tribe because of my grandparents love for him. Not because of who they were, or what they had done, or how many churches they pastored, or how many people they won to Christ. Not for how many times he preached, or read the bible, or how many of their kids serve Him. He blessed them for their faithfulness. What an awesome heritage and legacy we have been left. Not everyone can say what we can all say about our heritage. I have always been proud of who I am. Where I came from. I have always known why we are so blessed. But now, more than ever, I am amazed and my heart is full with it.
So even when I have a sad thought or miss him, because being the ones left behind is very hard, I know that someday I will see him again. And while I am still here and living this crazy life, I will strive to bring honor to my God. Not because I want my grandpa or grandma to see what all I did for Christ, but because through their lives they have taught me to want to do it for Jesus.
And THAT is the greatest inheritance anyone could ever receive. <3

Goodbye 2011! Hello 2012!

2011 was a very long, trying, eventful year. To say the least. I am thankful for the things I learned. The blessings I received. The hard times I survived. And the great things that were all mixed in. But I am not sorry to see it go!

This New year will probably bring a lot of unexpected things too. But I'm excited to see what those will be. I usually make New Years Resolutions, and I NEVER keep them. Usually its about 3 weeks max and then it's so long to whatever I was deciding to do that year. So this year I decided that I want to make life and heart resolutions. I want to grow closer to God, become a better wife and mother, and live for the days I have, come want may. I want to not worry so much, and trust God more. I want to be thankful for what I do have, instead of looking at what I could have. I want to love better, laugh more, and live like I know where I'm going (because I do!).

In church this morning I remembered something my dad taught us to do every New Year. He would trace our hands and our feet and cut them out. Then he would take us to the church when no one else was there and we would lay our hands and our feet at the alter and he would pray for us. He would pray that God would keep us in His will. That we would let Him use our hands and feet for Him. And he would, every year, give us back to God. When I was little I thought it was fun to trace my hands and feet and give them to Jesus. Now that I have my own kids I see how precious and blessed I am to have a dad that wanted only Gods best for us. So this year, with my New resolutions, my only prayer is that my children and family will see that in me. Even through the times when I fall and don't do it just right. I want "to do everything I do to the glory of the one who made me, cause He made me!"
So, if you think about it, please pray for me this year! I won't ever be perfect and I won't always do everything just right. I will always be taking tiny little baby steps and probably falling flat on my face (a lot). But hopefully by 2013 I will have learned to pick myself back up a little better than I do now. I am so glad God knows me, and that when I do fall He is right to help me back up.
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm thankful for the tears. =)

Yet again Its been a while. I'm a busy Momma! =)

I was watching Abby and Kenzy Grace today and thinking about myself as Abby's age and what I liked, or didn't like. How I played. What my favorite things were. Then I realized I honestly didn't know. I seem to hit a brick wall everytime I start trying to remember things that happened before I was 8 years old. I couldn't tell you the date, or the season. But i can tell you what I was wearing that day, exactly where I was standing, and the exact words to come out of my dads mouth. I wont go into that now, but it always bothers me that there are only a few things that I can remember before that day, and most of those are only because there is a picture. On days like today when I struggle to break down that wall to only let the good in, I have a very hard time not letting hurt in too. But everytime I have a day like today, I am also thankful that God has given me a family of my own to make memories with that (I hope) will be remembered even without pictures. I love hearing my girls giggle and laugh, even when its not a real giggle anymore. I love being a mommy so very much more than I ever even imagined I could. To me, that is the greatest gift God could have ever given me (besides salvation, of course). Being a mommy was something I was completely terrified to try. I didn't know if I could do it, or how to do it for that matter. I am thankful that God gave me someone to show me how, even if it was later and in unexpected ways. I know, compared to a lot of people, my story isn't so bad. And everyone has a story! I'm thankful God doesn't give any of us anything HE can't handle, and that even on days when my "little" hurts seem very very big, God is always a whole lot bigger. I pray that the girls will grow up knowing that too. God gave me the best dad in the world to protect us and guide us through our lives, and then let him marry the person who helped make me who I am today. God definitely works in mysterious ways (And I think He has a very imaginative sense of humor).

I used to hate that I would feel sad or even mad. I would (I thought) rather feel nothing at all. But now that I am a mommy and a wife, those feelings mean that I am not who I was always worried about becoming. Another of Gods greatest gifts. It seems God has a very good way of turning the ugly into the beautiful in every part of my life when I let Him.  My dad instilled in us that God is good all the time, and my mom made sure it was enforced.
So on the days when I feel sad, or heavy hearted, or even sometimes angry, I am glad God hears those cries and I know He has done a very good thing for my heart. So I will finish with this....
Psalm 27:7-14 Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek. Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies. Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shal strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.