October 15

Someone once told me :::coughmymomcough::: that "It is how we grieve that brings more pain or healing."

The last year has been a strange one for me, dealing with, well... strange things. I had to deal with some issues that I struggled with for a very long time. And in doing that, I found some closure that I never really had. I have also realized that some things in life won't have closure. Some things will not be completely clarified or "ok" until Heaven. And I'm ok with that. I don't want all the answers or reasons. God has worked way to many miracles in my life, and turned so many "meant for bad" things into "for my good" things.

That being said, it definitely doesn't make every thing easier, or all better. My heart breaks into a million pieces every time a baby is lost. When my momma lost my baby siblings, when my aunts lost my baby cousins, and cousins lost theirs, and so many of my friends. And when I knew I lost mine. Mine was different than the other stories I heard. And honestly I felt/feel selfish sometimes missing my baby I didn't know, because I still GOT a baby in the end. But I realize now (even though saying I'm still struggling with it would be an understatement) that doesn't mean I am not allowed to grieve for, and miss, and wonder about the one who's missing. I am not depriving my child of love by missing and being sad there weren't two who came home with us.

I used to always say, "I'm so glad she's not a twin", though jokingly, about my oldest. But no matter how many messes I have to clean, or how many days I cry because I am not sure what else to do with her, I am never ever ever "glad" my tiny tornado isn't a twin.

This is my third October 15th as a mommy AND a sister and cousin of a infant/pregnancy loss baby. And this year is not any easier. ♡