For about 2 years now I have been struggling. But the last 4 months have been my breaking point. It’s funny to me that 4 words are what sent me to the end of myself. And the fact that they weren’t “She does have epilepsy” were what did it, kind of makes me laugh. It was 4 very “silly” words. That aren’t even true. That came from a good place, but not a right one. The words “She just needs life-skills.” That’s it. And I guess really that is 5 words. But it feels like 4.
If you asked me WHY thats what started my spiral of self doubt, of doubting every decision we have made, of crying in my closet every night? I honestly couldn’t answer you. Because I don’t even know.
But here I am. Not doing life well. Pretending I’m ok, and I’m not. Not wanting to do much, but making myself anyway. Fighting HARD to prove she is more than that, and losing myself in the process.
I learned this week that you should lean into your grief. Not push it away. And I realized what I have been doing. I have been trying to prove things to myself, because someone told me something that made me second guess myself and her. I wasn’t about to let that be true. Because it’s not. Not in the way it was said. She is SO much more than a diagnosis or a piece of paper. So. Much. More.
Once again here I am trying to “fix it” in my own. Independently. I mean...yeah....I have prayed about it. Yeah, I read my Bible. Yeah, I go to church and smile and sing. But am i trusting and leaning into my grief and my God? Nope. Not in the right way. Not in the way that leads to salvation. Not in the way that brings healing and glory to the Lord.
So....here I am. In middle of lots of things that have brought grief and heartbreak. And drowning. But today I am remembering that I have a sure and steady anchor. Sometimes life hits from every single direction. I want to use my trials well. I want to learn and grow and not fight to stay above water on my own. I want to come out of this with the words “God Did!” Am I there yet? Nope. Not even close. Am I one step closer? I hope so.
“I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.”
Psalms 34:1
“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
Psalms 139:1-14
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