Standing still and letting God move (but not before I threw a fit and fell apart)

I have been thinking for a while about writing a blog post about what all God has done the last year. It's a huge story with so many twists and turns that it feels impossible to say everything I would love to say, and not say anything I would not love to say. So, instead, I am just going to share what is on my heart.

One of my favorite chapters of the Bible is Isaiah 40. The whole chapter. I have a lot of favorites, too many to mention on one post. But that one is definitely in the top 3. I love how it talks about the greatness of God. How He is so big, and nothing is here without Him. When I am struggling with why hard things happen, I read it. And even though He hasn't made all things new yet, He is making me new, and He WILL make everything else new, when He's ready.

This last year prayers that I have prayed for 7 years have been answered. Prayers that so many others have prayed for even longer than I did (and I wish I would have been then) have been answered. But if you would have told me HOW they were going to be answered, I can promise you I would have done everything in my power to change what our story is now. Not the good parts. Not the parts that I praise God for every day. But the hard parts. The parts I wish I could take away and never ever had anyone in my family experience. The parts I wish I could erase and make better for myself, my husband, my kids. But on the days when I am struggling the hardest and want to take the pain away from the people I love the most, I am reminded that without that pain, we might not have been brought to our knees. We might not have lost all control and had only God to pick us up.

I have learned throughout my life that everyone has a story. Everyone. A good story. A bad story. A hard story. No matter how their story goes, everyone has one. I have learned that no matter what your story is, you aren't alone in it. While even people who have been through what you have still won't know exactly your hurt, or joy, or sorrow, or anger, there are so many people who can relate. No matter where you are or where you've been. I have learned that the church isn't full of people who have it all together. It's full of hurting, broken, imperfect people, who just love Jesus, and want love Him more. I have learned that sharing your story with people is a good thing. I have learned that it's amazing to know you are NOT alone, and that God can do big things in the middle of yucky places. And I am more thankful for the people I have met and become friends with in the middle of our broken, hard, yucky stories, who have helped me grow and given me a place to cry,  than they will ever ever know.

Watching God change my family has been the greatest blessing of my life. I say a lot that He's changed my husband, but it's not just him. My heart has changed in so many ways. I will never be the same as I was a year ago. 9 months ago. 6 weeks ago.

If you would have told me a year ago that my husband would be who he is now, I probably would have laughed at you. If you would have told me that he would be reading his Bible, praying for us, going to church with us, giving with us, serving in our church with us, even going on mission trips with us, I just wouldn't have believed you. I love him so much, even when our marriage was at its worst and I didn't know if we would make it. But now, I can tell you, that I have never loved him more than I do now. Even on days when we are frustrated, or sad, or mad. The joy in my heart watching him lead us in the middle of so much brokenness has shown me once again that God can ALWAYS Turn our mess into a message, and our tests into a testimony.

As I see so many people I know going through so many hard things. Child loss, divorce, sickness, infertility, money trials, so much heartache. I just can't get over how BIG God is. Somehow He always gives us exactly what we need for the next step. Somehow He prepares us or those around us to be there when we need our pieces picked up. He never ever leaves us. He never quits working behind the scenes to work everything for his glory and our good. Even when it hurts so bad we can't breath. Even when we can't see the whys.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;  but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

When Christmas changes (12/14/14)

This year I haven't been very excited about gift giving and getting. This year we have been fighting for a lot in our little family. It's been hard. And yucky. And just plain ugly sometimes. I haven't cared what I need to get anyone for Christmas. I haven't wanted to even think about Christmas. This one is going to be hard. And while more than anything I just want the girls to be happy,  suddenly presents under a tree don't qualify as "happy". Now,  when something happens that is hard,  and we have a win,  I am happy. When we lose,  I fight harder. And most of the time I just run to Jesus. Because He's all I have. I have an amazing husband, wonderful kids,  great parents. But even with them,  I just need Jesus. I don't want to complain. Jesus has met every need,  he's made miracles happen,  and He's given us peace and joy that is beyond understanding.
Even on the hardest days,  He's never let go. Even when I just cry,  He gives me exactly what I need. But we still live in a broken, fallen world. And even in the joy and peace,  there is heartache. There is frustration.
I just started reading Job,  and one of the commentary notes says that Job never sinned. But you know what he did do? He begged God to make it stop. He even begged God to just kill him and put him out of his misery. He knew his suffering wasn't because of his sin. But he didn't understand why he had to endure it anyway. Even when he was in the depths of despair,  even when he asked God why,  even when he was just broken, God says he didn't sin. Because even when he just wanted it to end,  he STILL trusted that God was faithful. He still believed that while he was miserable, had horrible friends, and a wife who just didn't get it, God was still in control. I am thankful for his story. I am thankful that it's OK for us to be broken and confused and even done with suffering, and God still loves us. He still holds us. And He still wants what is best,  even when his best sometimes feels very much like the worst. I will never understand the way God works and the things he allows in our lives this side of heaven. Not ever. But I am VERY glad I don't have to. I  am glad I don't know the future. I am glad I get to see the things He does when I don't know how good could come. I am thankful that while This world stinks,  and bad things happen,  I have a God who let's me come to Him with every part of the brokenness,  and frustration, and He loves me anyway.

October 15

Someone once told me :::coughmymomcough::: that "It is how we grieve that brings more pain or healing."

The last year has been a strange one for me, dealing with, well... strange things. I had to deal with some issues that I struggled with for a very long time. And in doing that, I found some closure that I never really had. I have also realized that some things in life won't have closure. Some things will not be completely clarified or "ok" until Heaven. And I'm ok with that. I don't want all the answers or reasons. God has worked way to many miracles in my life, and turned so many "meant for bad" things into "for my good" things.

That being said, it definitely doesn't make every thing easier, or all better. My heart breaks into a million pieces every time a baby is lost. When my momma lost my baby siblings, when my aunts lost my baby cousins, and cousins lost theirs, and so many of my friends. And when I knew I lost mine. Mine was different than the other stories I heard. And honestly I felt/feel selfish sometimes missing my baby I didn't know, because I still GOT a baby in the end. But I realize now (even though saying I'm still struggling with it would be an understatement) that doesn't mean I am not allowed to grieve for, and miss, and wonder about the one who's missing. I am not depriving my child of love by missing and being sad there weren't two who came home with us.

I used to always say, "I'm so glad she's not a twin", though jokingly, about my oldest. But no matter how many messes I have to clean, or how many days I cry because I am not sure what else to do with her, I am never ever ever "glad" my tiny tornado isn't a twin.

This is my third October 15th as a mommy AND a sister and cousin of a infant/pregnancy loss baby. And this year is not any easier. ♡

Kenzys first official potty day

I have been promising to start potty training for a while now. But I kept putting it off. Turns out I hate that my last baby is so big. Who knew. But the last few days she has been taking her diaper off every time she uses it. 

This morning she did it again and I figured, why not. We have to start sometime, might as well be now.

I told her the diaper fairy came and only left enough diapers for when its dark and she goes to bed. She was cool with it. I brought the potty chair to the dining room (don't judge. We had to do school too. Two birds....) told her not to go potty in mommys floor (fully expecting just that), and we were off! Potty training officially under way.

First of all, I have to be completely honest. Calling it potty "training" would be a complete and utter lie. There was absolutely no training done today whatsoever. Not kidding. Unless telling her not to go on the floor counts. On second thought, now that I think of it...I'm counting it!!

I sat her on the potty, we sang her ABCs, and.....nothing.  Two minutes later something shocking happened. She said, "Uhoh. I peepee." Naturally I'm thinking, "And so it begins, the first of a day full of accidents." But before I can ask where the inevitable mess was made, she is running to the potty like a penguin. If penguins ran to the potty. I just stand there staring. She goes potty, stands up and yells, "WOOHOO!!! My do it! My pee!"

And that, my friends (if you're still my friends since I was somehow blessed with the two "easiest kids to potty train in the planet"), was how Kenzy was potty trained.

Before nap time there was not one single accident. Not one! After nap time I decided to try panties. She got two pairs wet and we went back to just her long t-shirt, and so far so good! She even had a successful poo! It freaked her out at first, and she ran to find more Dora panties to finish in, but she was quite proud to flush it down the toilet and announce to her daddy,  "My poop swims!" 

All in all a very amazingly shocking successful day. I couldn't be more proud of my little princess and I'm hoping tomorrow is just as great. Hopefully my brag session doesn't jinx me. I know a few of you are probably wishing it on me. ; )

Here is a picture that someday she will hate me for.
Every princess needs to have a Coach Purse, Princess boots, and pretty hair to start out a successful potty day. ;)

When littles speak....

After a few weeks of very rough school time this momma has decided we are going unconventional. We will still be doing Abeka and we will still have books (I'm not that creative) but if she wants to stand on her head to do school she can! I have put too much pressure on myself to make her do school "the right way." Isn't the reason for homeschooling to cater to my childs needs and not the rules of a classroom? Don't get me wrong. I'm NOT a good "out of the box" kind of girl. Unless its food....then I don't like it out of the box. Yuck!
But I digress. I've had way to many bad mommy moments lately and I truly believe that this is what I am called to do in and for my family right now. So instead of screwing up my kid by screaming at her for not knowing what word rhymes with Fire and Wire (even though there is a PICTURE of it on the page......), I'm going to learn how to teach her the way SHE needs, not the way the books say I should. My daughter is very smart, can read and do math better than I EVER imagined she would be able to at the age of 5, and I need to start seeing how far she has come and not how much she has left. I'm embarrassed to say it took a very unlovely mommy fail to come to this conclusion, but I'm thankful for second chances and a sweet baby girl that forgives her mommy even when I totally didn't deserve it. Its time for me to start learning from her gentleness and laughter! And next week, when we have a melt down, we will both get a time out. We will both get to think about our reactions to the situation. And we will both learn together how to be patient, and love each other better.
Who knew a 5 year old could teach me so much! God definitely blessed me by letting me borrow her. <3 

Matthew 19:14 KJV
But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

His eye in on the sparrow.

I have been thinking about Gods grace. I'm thankful for it ALL the time. But sometimes more than others its a lot more evident. When tragedy  strikes. When a role model let's you down. When things just seem to be falling apart. Some people I know turn from God in those times. Even blame God. I can't say that I've ever blamed God out right. But more times than I can count I have asked Him why. Pleaded with Him to just tell me WHY so I could move on. I don't think its wrong to ask why. God knows I'm human. I'm not all knowing. I'm an emotional, visible being, trusting in an all powerful God. I know that in my head and my heart. But sometimes just a little answer to why seems a lot easier than just trusting His plan. That's when God gives me little pushes. When he makes something just a little easier. When He gives me peace in the very middle of my storm. It doesn't make my storm go away. But it makes it easier to bear.
HIS strength is made perfect in MY weakness. If being weak is how I grow stronger then maybe that's my why. If my storm was easy would I cry out for His hand? If my trials were just "What to make for dinner" would I know the power of His grace? That would be an all inclusive "nope!"
So maybe next time when I don't know why, and my heart cries out for healing and grace, I can be thankful He brought me to it so I can learn to let Him bring me through it.

"Why should I feel discouraged,
why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely,
and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion?
My constant friend is He.
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me."

When I was just a little child, no higher than your knee....

When I was a little girl my grandma told me that you should never get frustrated when the traffic is backed up, or you get stuck behind a VERY slow car, because it could be God keeping you safe from what lies ahead. When I got older my dad said the same thing. And a few times I have seen the evidence of it. But lately I have been noticing that it happens in real life too. A really slow "car" gets in my way and I'm so frustrated. But a little ways down the road I see what that "imperfect timing" was preparing my heart for. And it turns out it was right on time! Sometimes there are road blocks, or pot holes that give you flat tires.  Sometimes its a curb you hit because you weren't paying close enough attention. Then other times its a friendly push uovthe hill to the gas station because you're just plain outta gas! The last few months I have hit a lot of curbs, had a few flat tires, and ran out of gas countless times. But God has always been there to get me out of it. Either with a jack (aka parents) to change my tire (aka attitude), a friendly tow (aka friend(s) ) to get some more gas (aka uplifting words), or curb to get my attention when I forget to watch where I'm going (aka the Bible and my pastor).
I'm thankful for life lessons and a Godly heritage that have taught me how to apply them. God has done great things for me. The greatest is eternal life with Him in heaven. But He didn't stop there. He has given me the tools and guides to help me become His best for me. I am so very unworthy. But forever grateful!

"When I was just a little child no higher than you knee,
My momma bought a box of crayons
Just for me.
I picked them up, and I opened them up and I looked way down inside,
And the colors they reminded me of Jesus when He died.
Red is the color of the blood that he shed.
Brown is for the crown of thorns they placed upon His head.
Blue is for royalty in which He did dwell.
And yellow is for the Christian whose afraid to tell"