The Lord is Near

The Lord is near!

The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them. The Lord preserveth all them that love him: but all the wicked will he destroy. My mouth shall speak the praise of the Lord: and let all flesh bless his holy name for ever and ever. (Psalm 145:18-21 KJV)

It seems like the valleys we have in life are always leading to something greater. Preparing us for what is on top of the next mountain. The mountain tops of life are always amazing. But they seem to mean so much more when the valley was rough and the climb up took all you had. We would never be thankful for the view without the work to get there. I don't know about you, but my valleys are only survived by letting God carry my packs. The longer I try to worry, and fix, and cut down all the weeds and ignore the offered hand, the longer it takes for me to get out! But God didn't send me through the valley to see how hard I would struggle on my own. He sent me to see how big my faith will grow. Verse 18 says "the Lord is nigh unto ALL them that call upon him." All He asks us to do is call on Him and He is there. "To all that call upon him in truth" or "faithfully". It seems to me that, while we all know God knows everything that we are going through, even before it happens, He still wants us to tell him. Cry out to him and "he will also hear their cry, and will save them." I think that some of the trials, or valleys as I like to call them, are not given to us to see how well "WE" can get through it. I believe God gives them to us to teach us that leaning on him, crying out to him, and finally giving it to Him, was all he expected from us. If we try to do it on our own, where would our praises come from when we made it through? Where would our faith grow? What if we didn't "make it through" the way we thought?
Since becoming a mother I understand more and more the way God loves His children. It amazes me that as much as my girls mean to me and are my heart, how very much more God loves me! He loves me enough to let me fall down so I can reach up to Him to help me back up. He loves me enough to let me make the wrong choices, even though He has told me the right ones, so that I can learn to trust Him more. He loves me enough to say "Well done!" even when I didn't do it perfectly. God wants us to share with him our hurts, our failures, our victories, the broken hearts. He wants us to tell him about our day, whether good or bad. He wants a relationship with us. When my kids cry out to me, I reach out to them. I sometimes can't help if they don't use their words to tell me what they need. Even when they are babies we mothers learn their cries. The one that means they are hungry. The one that means they are tired. The one that means they are dirty. And when they just need to cry because, well they just need to cry! God wants us to use our words, and he knows our cries.
God doesn't want us to just assume he knows what is going on and expect him to fix it. He DOES know what is going on. He knows even before we are born all the trials that we will face, and the mountains we will climb, and the view we will get to see at the top of each one. But how we handle the trials, and how we react to the climb, is our own choice. Will I call on Him, tell Him my heart, grow my relationship, and let Him draw nigh? Will I try to figure it out on my own?
I challenge you (and myself) to see the valleys for what we are to learn through them, and not how quickly we can escape. And when we make it to the top of another mountain we can say, "My mouth shall speak the praise of the Lord: and let all flesh bless His holy name for ever and ever."

When I grow up....

Sometimes my heart feels so full of so many emotions that I have to get it out. This is what i have been thinking since I woke up this morning:
When I grow up I hope to be as faithful and dependent on God as my "little" cousin and her husband have been these last 4 months (and even more because it started with an ultrasound that seems so long ago.) Seeing how Gods grace has been made completly visible through their testimonies through trials I cannot even imagine has brought so much to my heart. My heart is aching for them and all I know to do is pray. But God has given them a peace that definitely passes all understanding. While my heart is broken for them, I'm also in awe of the Grace I see in their lives. God can and will work everything for His glory if we let Him. But how often do we let Him? How often do we cry out and beg God for that grace, because its the only way we can get through our trials, only to to be so caught up in our own sadness that we completely miss it? Logan may not have had a very long time on this earth, but he definitely taught me a whole lot more than some people I have known for my 30 short years. And God gave him parents that could use the way God made him for His glory. I can't help but wonder if I would have been up to that task. I selfishly hope that I am never put to the test. But my prayer is that I would hold onto that Grace and Mercy with all my might and let Gods glory shine. Its funny how we always expect the "older and wiser" to be an example, but God uses the smallest and most fragile. Wow!

Deuteronomy 4:9
Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy sons' sons;

Well Glory!!!

In October of last year my grandpas already troubled health started getting much much worse. By November the doctors said that his kidneys were not working right. Grandpa had a pretty good thanksgiving (it was always his favorite) and even a pretty good good Christmas. By January we knew it wouldn't be long before grandpa finally got to go home.
The doctor came into the hospital room to tell him and grandma that his kidneys were no longer filtering. He told them he didn't want to do dialysis because of his health. Grandpa said he didn't want it. The doctor, trying to make sure he understood what it would mean, asked him if he knew what that meant. Grandpa said, "yes, I'm going home." The doctor, thinking Grandpa didn't understand the question asked again, "Do you know what will happen if you do not do dialysis?" and my grandpa said, "yes, I'm going to heaven."
That is probably one of the most reassuring stories that I have ever heard. He was not afraid of the next step, because he knew exactly what it would mean. I am so very thankful that on that Mothers Day so long ago my grandpa answered Gods knocking on his hearts door and said yes.
He was a man who was my hero, a man who had a ton of grand kids but could make you feel like you were the one he loved most right at that moment (I really was the favorite, just don't tell anyone else...;) ), a man who gave his life to bring others to the savior who saved a sinner like him. A man who loved his wife, and family, and church.
I was thinking back about some of my favorite times with him. I remember playing hide and seek in the church (a couple of them) and getting caught and scolded, but seeing the twinkle in his eye. I remember when he would call and say, "We are going fishing, make me some Peanut Butter and Jelly" and hang up before you even got to ask what time, how many, and what kid of Jelly. Lol I remember on those fishing trips sometimes he would go out in his tube in the middle of the ponds and yell at us to be quiet because we were scaring the fish away. Lol I remember sitting in church with him and giggling when he would scare the congregation with his "WELL HLORY!" and "PREACH IT" and "mmmmmhhhmmmm, that's good stuff" or finish a sentence for whoever was preaching. I remember sitting there just talking about anything and everything and sitting on his lap while he told me about my dad, or about Jesus, or about the football game that was on tv. I remember him scaring the daylights of us by coming in a room and yelling at us just because it amused him to see how high we would jump.
I'm not gonna lie. Every once in a while I felt extremely selfish during those last few weeks. I wanted to keep my grandpa forever. Jesus was supposed to come back before he took him. It's no fun to say goodbye on this earth no matter how exciting the next hello is going to be.
But when all is said and done I would not ever ask him to stay and be so sick. Even though my heart hurts for myself, and my grandma, and my daddy, and all the rest of my family, thinking of him in heaven rejoicing makes it worth it. To know he isn't hurting or struggling anymore gives peace. To know exactly where he is and how much he longed to be there gives a peace that definitely passes all understanding.
The family that was around when when he went HOME tells an amazing story of Gods grace and peace. He didn't struggle or fight, he didn't have pain. God let him come peacefully before him. What a blessing!!!!
At his funeral we had church. It was one of the best church services of my life. It was one of the hardest of my life. But more than that it spoke of my grandpas testimony, and character. He sold out to God. He wasn't perfect. He was a SINNER saved by GRACE. And he was proud of it. I can't even imagine where all 136+ of us would be if it wasn't for that grace. God blessed our tribe because of my grandparents love for him. Not because of who they were, or what they had done, or how many churches they pastored, or how many people they won to Christ. Not for how many times he preached, or read the bible, or how many of their kids serve Him. He blessed them for their faithfulness. What an awesome heritage and legacy we have been left. Not everyone can say what we can all say about our heritage. I have always been proud of who I am. Where I came from. I have always known why we are so blessed. But now, more than ever, I am amazed and my heart is full with it.
So even when I have a sad thought or miss him, because being the ones left behind is very hard, I know that someday I will see him again. And while I am still here and living this crazy life, I will strive to bring honor to my God. Not because I want my grandpa or grandma to see what all I did for Christ, but because through their lives they have taught me to want to do it for Jesus.
And THAT is the greatest inheritance anyone could ever receive. <3

Goodbye 2011! Hello 2012!

2011 was a very long, trying, eventful year. To say the least. I am thankful for the things I learned. The blessings I received. The hard times I survived. And the great things that were all mixed in. But I am not sorry to see it go!

This New year will probably bring a lot of unexpected things too. But I'm excited to see what those will be. I usually make New Years Resolutions, and I NEVER keep them. Usually its about 3 weeks max and then it's so long to whatever I was deciding to do that year. So this year I decided that I want to make life and heart resolutions. I want to grow closer to God, become a better wife and mother, and live for the days I have, come want may. I want to not worry so much, and trust God more. I want to be thankful for what I do have, instead of looking at what I could have. I want to love better, laugh more, and live like I know where I'm going (because I do!).

In church this morning I remembered something my dad taught us to do every New Year. He would trace our hands and our feet and cut them out. Then he would take us to the church when no one else was there and we would lay our hands and our feet at the alter and he would pray for us. He would pray that God would keep us in His will. That we would let Him use our hands and feet for Him. And he would, every year, give us back to God. When I was little I thought it was fun to trace my hands and feet and give them to Jesus. Now that I have my own kids I see how precious and blessed I am to have a dad that wanted only Gods best for us. So this year, with my New resolutions, my only prayer is that my children and family will see that in me. Even through the times when I fall and don't do it just right. I want "to do everything I do to the glory of the one who made me, cause He made me!"
So, if you think about it, please pray for me this year! I won't ever be perfect and I won't always do everything just right. I will always be taking tiny little baby steps and probably falling flat on my face (a lot). But hopefully by 2013 I will have learned to pick myself back up a little better than I do now. I am so glad God knows me, and that when I do fall He is right to help me back up.
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm thankful for the tears. =)

Yet again Its been a while. I'm a busy Momma! =)

I was watching Abby and Kenzy Grace today and thinking about myself as Abby's age and what I liked, or didn't like. How I played. What my favorite things were. Then I realized I honestly didn't know. I seem to hit a brick wall everytime I start trying to remember things that happened before I was 8 years old. I couldn't tell you the date, or the season. But i can tell you what I was wearing that day, exactly where I was standing, and the exact words to come out of my dads mouth. I wont go into that now, but it always bothers me that there are only a few things that I can remember before that day, and most of those are only because there is a picture. On days like today when I struggle to break down that wall to only let the good in, I have a very hard time not letting hurt in too. But everytime I have a day like today, I am also thankful that God has given me a family of my own to make memories with that (I hope) will be remembered even without pictures. I love hearing my girls giggle and laugh, even when its not a real giggle anymore. I love being a mommy so very much more than I ever even imagined I could. To me, that is the greatest gift God could have ever given me (besides salvation, of course). Being a mommy was something I was completely terrified to try. I didn't know if I could do it, or how to do it for that matter. I am thankful that God gave me someone to show me how, even if it was later and in unexpected ways. I know, compared to a lot of people, my story isn't so bad. And everyone has a story! I'm thankful God doesn't give any of us anything HE can't handle, and that even on days when my "little" hurts seem very very big, God is always a whole lot bigger. I pray that the girls will grow up knowing that too. God gave me the best dad in the world to protect us and guide us through our lives, and then let him marry the person who helped make me who I am today. God definitely works in mysterious ways (And I think He has a very imaginative sense of humor).

I used to hate that I would feel sad or even mad. I would (I thought) rather feel nothing at all. But now that I am a mommy and a wife, those feelings mean that I am not who I was always worried about becoming. Another of Gods greatest gifts. It seems God has a very good way of turning the ugly into the beautiful in every part of my life when I let Him.  My dad instilled in us that God is good all the time, and my mom made sure it was enforced.
So on the days when I feel sad, or heavy hearted, or even sometimes angry, I am glad God hears those cries and I know He has done a very good thing for my heart. So I will finish with this....
Psalm 27:7-14 Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek. Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies. Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shal strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

Homeschooling....dun, dun, dun...

Growing up I had no idea that Homeschooling was so controversial. It's what we did at my house, and while I knew that not everyone did it, I never realized how much peoples opinions varied on the subject.

When I was home schooled I learned to read at 5, I HATED math, and I SWORE I would never do that to my children. I felt left out because I didn't go to the Christian school all my church friends went to. I was very shy and very introverted. I thought then that it was because I was home schooled. I thought that home school kids never got to make friends, never got to be in choir, never got to play sports, never got to go on field trips, and I sure didn't get to have a "sick day" or "snow day."

What I didn't know was that most homeschool kids went on field trips, played sports, sang in choirs, made friends, had play dates. What I didn't know was that because of our family situation (which I will not go into detail about here) was the reason that I didn't do all that. It wasn't just because I was home schooled! It WASN'T just because I was HOMESCHOOLED!! That knowledge was priceless to me when I realized that.

However, knowing that did not change my opinion of it. Until I had my own first baby that is. When she was one I had started thinking about what kind of school I wanted her in (ie- Private, Public). I started going to FBC Mustang and there were a couple of families there that homeschooled and I started thinking about it. But I wasn't thinking, "Hey! I'm gonna home school my kids because I loved it so much!" I was thinking, "It's all good and well for them, but it's not for me!" But as the years went by (all 3 of them!) it seemed like God was laying it on my heart. I told myself, "My husband will never go for that. He wouldn't understand, so I am not even going to talk about it!" And then she turned 2.

I asked Anthony what he thought and he said, "That's a long ways away. We'll see." And I told myself, "See! He is hoping I'll forget, or change my mind. He doesn't want me to." And then she turned 3.

I broached the subject a little more carefully this time. I asked him what he thought about homeschooling, and what he thought about public school. He didn't really say anything, but a few weeks (or months, I forget...) went by and it seemed like we kept hearing about crazy stuff happening at schools, even the ones that were in "good" districts.

Now, I know that it might sounds crazy to some, but when God has wanted me to do something in the past, I very rarely get away with not doing it. So sometimes I try and half do it, like asking to be a helper in Sunday school and, what do you know! They only need a teacher. Seriously...it so happens. Ask my mom.

So this time it's my hubby that says, "Homeschooling is going to be the only safe school pretty soon!" Of course he said it flippantly and not with much enthusiasm, but it made me say, "Well crap!" I very likely even said it out loud.

About 6 months later I decided if Anthony said to do it, then I would do it. I asked him what he thought again and told him we needed to decide because I needed to start figuring out how to enroll her in school if we were sending her.  And he says, "You want to home school her?" I say, "Yes. I think its what we should do." and he says, "It's what we are going to do."

I'm not gonna lie. I was speechless. That was what he said, and HOW he said it. Like he had already decided and was just making sure I was still going along with it.

So here we are. Six and half weeks into it and I am amazed at what she has done so far! She knows all her letters, she can count to 30 (almost by herself, and we are working to get to 100), she is learning all the sounds her letters make, and already figures out more than I expected all on her own. She is learning how to blend her letters to make words. She read cat, hat, sat, and mat the other day (although she refuses to do it again, LOL).

When I got her school stuff I ordered Kindergarten stuff. The Pre-K stuff was mostly colors, shapes, letters, and numbers. She already knew most of that so I didn't want it to be too easy. I wanted her to be challenged because she gets bored with things very easy. I have had to modify some of it for her, but I am completely surprised at how much she has done and that I haven't had to change! She can write all her name, all her numbers, and about half of her letters.

We have had play dates, and she wants to play the drums. (Side note: mommy isn't too excited about that. daddy thinks that is cool.) She says she wants to play every sport there is. Basketball, Baseball, Soccer, Volleyball, Tennis, and Football (even though daddy keeps telling her girls can't......). She is stubborn as can be and some days school work is a struggle. She will act like she doesn't know any of her letters, or any of their sounds, or how to write them. If you name something in her work that day she probably doesn't want to do that either. But most days are an adventure for her. She is proud when she can sing the alphabet all by herself (even though she has been since she could talk), and when she writes her letters or numbers right. I must say that homeschooling is probably the most rewarding thing I have ever done besides being a mommy. Who knew!!

Disclaimer:
1. I know homeschooling isn't for everyone.

2. If you are that one that it isn't for, I absolutely do not think less of anyone who doesn't choose it.

3. If homeschooling is not only NOT for you, but you can't possibly see how it can be for anyone, or good for the kids involved, you can keep it to yourself. I don't come to your house and tell you how you should or shouldn't raise your kids, where they should or shouldn't go to school, what they should or shouldn't wear, or who they should or shouldn't talk to . What's best for my family is not best for anyone else's. And what's best for yours isn't what is best for mine. So lets be friends, and keep the negative comments out of it. With love of course! ;)

What time I am afraid....

Some days I take for granted the fact that I was raised in a Christian home and taught to learn lots of Bible verses, and know the Bible stories, and how much God loves us. Then something happens and reminds me not to take it for granted.

So my thought for the night is this:

I am going to do my best to stop taking for granted that God loves me and won't give me anything I can't handle. Because, in my taking for that granted, I assume that God won't give me anything hard, because I don't like hard or handle it very well. But that's the point of trusting God through everything. I don't have to be able to Handle it. HE will help to handle it if I will let Him. And in order to do that I have to stop thinking that when He says He won't give me anything "I" can't handle, He doesn't mean by myself. I am very thankful that I was raised to know that. And I am also thankful that God gives things in my life to help me remember not to take it for granted.

Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.