Done....for a minute (9/18/2019)

Here I am....8 years into this homeschooling a kid who learns differently thing. 4.5 years into this epilepsy mom thing. 3 years into this scoliosis mom thing. And how am I doing?? Terrible. Why??? Because life is just not always beautiful. It just isn’t. 

For about 2 years now I have been struggling. But the last 4 months have been my breaking point. It’s funny to me that 4 words are what sent me to the end of myself. And the fact that they weren’t “She does have epilepsy” were what did it, kind of makes me laugh. It was 4 very “silly” words. That aren’t even true. That came from a good place, but not a right one. The words “She just needs life-skills.” That’s it. And I guess really that is 5 words. But it feels like 4. 

If you asked me WHY thats what started my spiral of self doubt, of doubting every decision we have made, of crying in my closet every night? I honestly couldn’t answer you. Because I don’t even know. 

But here I am. Not doing life well. Pretending I’m ok, and I’m not. Not wanting to do much, but making myself anyway. Fighting HARD to prove she is more than that, and losing myself in the process. 

I learned this week that you should lean into your grief. Not push it away. And I realized what I have been doing. I have been trying to prove things to myself, because someone told me something that made me second guess myself and her. I wasn’t about to let that be true. Because it’s not. Not in the way it was said. She is SO much more than a diagnosis or a piece of paper. So. Much. More. 

Once again here I am trying to “fix it” in my own. Independently. I mean...yeah....I have prayed about it. Yeah, I read my Bible. Yeah, I go to church and smile and sing. But am i trusting and leaning into my grief and my God? Nope. Not in the right way. Not in the way that leads to salvation. Not in the way that brings healing and glory to the Lord. 

So....here I am. In middle of lots of things that have brought grief and heartbreak. And drowning. But today I am remembering that I have a sure and steady anchor. Sometimes life hits from every single direction. I want to use my trials well. I want to learn and grow and not fight to stay above water on my own. I want to come out of this with the words “God Did!” Am I there yet? Nope. Not even close. Am I one step closer? I hope so. 

“I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:1‬ ‭

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:1-14‬ ‭

Philippians 4:11-13

We all want our kids to be perfectly healthy and always happy. We all want them to flourish and grow and become whatever it is they want to be. But sometimes (ok....pretty much always) our idea of "perfect" and Gods idea of "perfect" are very far from the same. A few months ago I was talking with a friend and she said (paraphrased), "They aren't "wrong". God doesn't knit them together wrong. They are all exactly who He wanted them to be." I have cried a lot about those words. Because I don't understand. Because I'm thankful I don't have to. Because some days it feels very very wrong. Because even when it feels hard and wrong, I know God doesn't make mistakes.

When people quote Phil. 4:13 sometimes I get frustrated. It's never been one of my "favorites" because I feel like it's always taken out of context. But the last few days it's been on my heart.

I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. All things. Meltdowns, medication changes, seizures, countdown start-overs, tests, diagnoses, sleepless nights, tears....

Paul said right before that, “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”
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Those are the things He could do through Christ. Hard and easy, happy and sad, plenty and nothing. All of them made easier because of Jesus. When I was younger I would always quote "For I have learned in whatsoever state I am in, there with to be content" any time I was struggling. I didn't always become content. But I at least knew I could be. I didn't know that one day those words would mean a lot more. And I didn't know that one day, my least favorite "cliche" verse, would also mean so much more.

And I realize it's dumb to have a least favorite verse. But....that's real life y'all. 😏😊👍🏼

2 years, 2 days

So.....here I am. 2 years and 2ish days into this "Epilepsy Mom" life. Here I am at my limit. Here I am feeling like life is just going in circles. The last four months have been a huge struggle for me. It started with Abby being referred to a neuropsychologist to have her evaluated for a whole bunch of maybes, and escalated when I got some paperwork from her neurologists office telling us that what we thought was true, was not. Even in my very rattled, very frustrated, very very tired brain, I know that the results we read do not change a single thing. The fact that her first EEG was actually abnormal instead of normal doesn't change the fact that she has epilepsy. It doesn't change the fact that she has to take medication every day. It doesn't change the fact that we have doctors appointments and tests and schedules to keep up with. It actually changes nothing in our every day life. But it did change me. It changed how I read the tons and tons of things I read all the time about Epilepsy and the types of seizures she has. It changed my hope of her outgrowing them into planning for a future where she may not. It changed my doubts into truth. And that truth scares me to death. It changed the joy I had for each day, week, month she is Seizure free into a waiting period of "when will she have her next one." 

I know. I know. Worry does nothing for us except rob us of our joy. Fear is not from God. Obsessing over what I cannot change won't change it. But here I am. Stuck in a circle of doctors, tests, maybes, disappointment, and then start again. The circles are exhausting. The mood swings are exhausting. The waiting is exhausting. The maybes are exhausting. 

But in the middle of my struggle, and the circles, and the disappointment, and the new doctors, there is my God. My Heavenly Father. The lifter of my Head. Every time I'm at the end of me, He's there. Whether it's in a friends text, or a parents prayer, or a husbands hug.

Last night a dear precious friend shared a devotional with me that she gets in her email every day. This one was about Joshua and Jericho. About walking in circles and thinking it's never going to end. Asking God to move just ONE brick for you so that just for today you see his hand moving in your walking. So that the (what feels like) endless circles around a giant intimidating wall feels worth it. That's what I've been doing. Over and over again. Just give us ONE answer. Just give us one brick to hold onto. 

But as I was reading that tears just filled my eyes. I have been praying for the wrong things. Not that it is in anyway wrong to pray for an answer. To have some kind of relief from the crazy circles. I don't at all believe that's true. God says to bring all of our requests to Him. But He doesn't say to bring all your requests with worry. He doesn't say to bring all your requests with anger, or fear, or annoyance. 

It says this: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-7

With Thanksgiving. 

With. thanksgiving.

I'm supposed to come to Him with my requests with thanksgiving! Really?! A thankful heart?! With thankfulness for All He's done and all He will do, no matter how much it is, or isn't, "my way." Nope. For the last 4 months I haven't done that. For the last 4 months my requests have been more like demands. Or bargaining tools. Not thankful. Not even a little. 

So tonight, as I read about Joshua and that wall, I'm going to soak in it. In the 6 days before the walls crumbled. The 6 days that those people quietly marched. Not always believing tomorrow would bring victory. Probably grumbling that this was the dumbest thing they'd ever done. I want to march with a thankful heart. One that knows, even if I don't get to see the crumbling of walls I WANT to crumble, God will and does and has crumbled plenty of the walls in my life in His perfect time. And His perfect way. My job is to ask, trusting in His perfect love, and rest in that. 

These next few tests and results are hard ones. But my God does hard. And He does it perfectly. ❤️

His ways are not my ways...

Sometimes I look back at the last 9 years since Abby was born and I am just amazed by how much she has over come. We have struggled and fought and overcome things with her. She has struggled and fought and over come things on her own. And every single step of the way God was/is holding us up. She has more things to over come. She has a lot more battles to fight. Some we are ready for. Some I am scared to death to reach. Epilepsy is one we are in the middle of.
If you would have told me when I was 16 all the things my life would hold,  all the things I would have/get to watch my kids go through, I can promise you I would have done everything to stop what I could, change what I could, and hold on for what I couldn't. I'm glad I didn't know. I'm glad that God gives us what we can't handle. But that He prepares us and is there to let us fall on Him when it's just too much. Not because it's been a super fun ride. Not because I want to repeat it. But because through it I've learned so much about the character of God. I've learned that though His ways aren't my ways, His ways are good. I've learned that the "Footprints"  poem is more than just a poem. I've learned (and relearned over and over and over again) that when my faith is small His grace is sufficient. And trust me. My faith is definitely not even close to being as big as a mustard seed very often.
I have always heard about seizures and epilepsy. I have family members with it. Friends that have kids with it. Some very severe. Some that outgrew it. Some in between. And while I never wanted to imagine what a seizure looked like in my own child, I never thought past the seizure part. In my head a seizure looked like what they look like in movies. And I couldn't imagine watching that, or waiting for that to happen. Or knowing that it was going to happen several times a day. But, I just never realized that it's not just a seizure.
Epilepsy is making sure the meds are taken every day.
Epilepsy is watching your child sleep because seizures during sleep are terrifying.
Epilepsy is wondering if today's mood swings is from being tired, hormones, or a seizure that you somehow missed while watching your child sleep.
Epilepsy is having to tell everyone you are around a lot what to watch for.
Epilepsy is wondering how long these meds will work.
Epilepsy is wondering how the meds will effect other parts of the body as it treats the brain.
Epilepsy is watching the little sister be worried about the bigger sister and always wanting to be her biggest cheerleader.
Epilepsy is watching your husbands heart break a little more each time.
Epilepsy is a LOT of things. But it's definitely not just seizures.
As we walk through this journey, and have a bunch of side trails that keep us going in circles, I am overwhelmed a lot. I feel like I'm drowning a lot. I feel like I can't hear one more diagnosis, or symptom,  or issue that needs to be addressed. And every single time, God shows me that even if I can't, He can. He loves her so much more than we do. He knows what is ahead for her. He knows what I can't know.
At church on Sunday the sermon was about how to leave a church well. I know what you're thinking. What does leaving a church have to do with epilepsy!?  It doesn't really. But I was thinking, sometimes in life we have to leave things. Churches, schools, jobs, houses, families. The circumstances all vary. There can be so many reasons why we need to leave and move on from something. For us,  right now, we have left behind everything that was "normal"  for us. It started even before the seizures did. We have left behind our old,  easy,  everyday normal, and have entered a new,  scary,  hard journey. Did I leave the normal well?  Absolutely not. But can I do better next time? Can I choose to live our new normal with joy? Absolutely yes. I want to leave things well. And start things well. I want our story to lift others up. I want it to be a story full of hope, grace, and joy. I want to teach our kids that life doesn't always go the way we planned. And it's OK to be disappointed, and struggle. It's ok to cry and have sleepless nights. It's ok to ask why. But we won't live there. We will run to our heavenly father, and let Him do with what this crazy life throws at us for our good and for His glory. And when we fail, His mercies are new every morning.

If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."
DAN 3:17‭-‬18

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
LAM 3:22‭-‬23

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord . For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
ISA 55:8‭-‬9

10 years and counting

When you're little you dream about what life will be like. Maybe you dream you'll be a rich successful business person. Or maybe a huge basketball star. Maybe you dream that you'll be a doctor and find the cure to cancer. Or maybe you're like me and you just want to grow up to be a mom. You dream of the guy you'll marry someday, and occasionally are pretty sure you know who he is, when your 12. But, it wasn't him, or that one, or the guy who never knew your name but you sure knew his. Nope, it's none of those. So you grow up some more and you do some really dumb things because, well, you're not THAT grown up yet.

And then.... Suddenly... You're an adult. Living on your own. Paying your bills (and not very well). And having a great time being really bad at paying bills and doing really crazy stuff because you think you're smart enough to handle it. You get a super fantastic job that you love, and work part time at another job that's fun but exhausting. And then you start paying attention to who calls when you answer the phone. Because, let's be honest, you're the receptionist at that super fantastic job that you love.

There's this one guy who calls a bazillion times a day and he's ALWAYS cranky. Nothing is ever funny, and all he wants to know is if he can charge "this much money to such and such account." And there is never time to hold, oh no! You can either call him back (which you'll probably forget because it's only your 1st week full time at this super fantastic job, and you have to file 400 million papers...), or he'll try again later. Then one day, this really tall skinny guy with a hat and mustache (seriously...) comes in. At lunch you ask your new BFF (who used to do your job so she knows all the people) if that is the same guy who calls every day. She confirms it and you have a conversation about this guy. One thing leads to another and somehow you both decide that someone needs to make him smile a little more and be cranky a little less. So, you both text him and ask if he can watch your dog (which you don't have) while you're out of town (which you won't be) fully expecting a no. But, instead, you get a yes! And that my friends is the beginning of a happily ever after!

That was 11 years ago. 11 years ago I just wanted to know why he was always cranky. And I guess he also wanted to know why I was always so happy. He won tickets on a radio show to go to rodeo, and asked my friend if she thought I would go with him. She told him to ask me, so he did. That was supposed to be our first date, but it ended up being our 3rdish. And by then we were about as inseparable as two people can be  who live in different cities. Once after a date I accidentally left my keys in his truck, so he had to leave work, drive Moore from OKC, just so I could drive. It just so happened that I was off work that day, but I can't remember why. But I won't ever forget that. Because knowing what I know now, that was true love, yall. 

Our lives since then have not been anything at all like I imagined. We have been through things that I would wish on no one. And we have overcome things I would have told you we never could.

But you know what? God. Is. Faithful. And He has blessed me with more than I can even begin to express. I am blessed beyond measure. With a husband who not only loves us so much, but one who now also leads us THROUGH Christ. Y'all, there is absolutely no greater joy for my heart than hearing him pray, and read the Bible, and go on mission trips, and sing his beautiful heart out to Jesus. No. Greater. Joy. I am blessed. He is faithful through every hard day, every good day, every hard thing, every good thing.  I love this guy more today then I ever could have imagined back then. And I wouldn't want to do this terrible, beautiful, crazy life with anyone other than the guy I get to call My Husband.

For my good, and for His glory

So, he'll probably kill me, but that's ok. 

When I met the man I call my husband these days, I was absolutely NOT where I should be as a Christian. I was probably the worst possible example of what Jesus looks like. After we had Abby I finally gave in to my convicted heart and went to church. I was practically begged to go by one of my Aunts. I didn't really want to, but I finally did. Because I wanted my babies to know Jesus. As I started working towards forgiveness in my life and forgiveness for others, I started praying that my husband would come with us, too. I would (selfishly) get my feelings hurt when he wouldn't. Like it was about me and not about Jesus.
Finally I just kind of gave up for a while. I am embarrassed to say that. But I did. Then I met the girl who has become one of my best friends in the whole world. And together we did a bible study. Through that I learned I wasn't alone in my marriage struggles and I started making other new friends. I learned so many people weren't perfect and didn't have perfect marriages. So I started cautiously praying again. I was praying that he would just come to church with us. That's all. Just that one step. It was a small step. But I didn't know how else to pray. I just wanted him by my side at church.
Fast forward to last year. He had started coming occasionally. Probably 2 times a month maybe. And then, our lives got rocked. Hard core rocked. I didn't know what would happen, but I just begged God to not let my husband blame God. I honestly wasn't sure what was going to happen. But God did something much much bigger than I could have ever imagined. And He's still doing big big things. I have always been taught how good God is. And that's so very true. But y'all, God is also so much bigger than we think. He can do things that are absolutely impossible. He can literally move mountains.
My husband has gone from "church isn't for me, church people just aren't who I want to be around"  to falling on Jesus at the hardest days of our lives so far, planning on going on mission trips, doing Bible studies with us and learning as he goes, praying for us when life just stinks, encouraging me through verses by text, being baptized with Abby. I am so very humbled that God has done so very much more than I ever imagined or even prayed for.
This last year I have learned that not only is God good, He is very very big. My prayers have become bigger. My doubts have become smaller. God can do miracles. He can move mountains. He can break down walls. He Can!
I have always been one that asks why hard, bad, awful things happen. I ask God why he allows them. I have never doubted His Goodness. But I have questioned His ways. This last year God has become so much bigger to me. He didn't work in the ways I wanted. He didn't make things all happy and peaceful and fabulous. But in the middle of our big huge mess, when we were completely broken, He made it for our good and for His glory. Y'all, God is BIG!!!!

Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord .  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

All the things

Ever since last year when our life as we knew it was rocked, I have been overwhelmed with STUFF So easy. Things that used to matter no longer do. The way we plan our lives will never be the same. The things we did as a family now have a hole in them. And I have been praying about what we need to do to heal, and move forward, and live for things that matter. I have had it on my heart a lot lately that we just need to simplify. Then, last week I watched some little people for a friend. While we were there I discovered their play room and how few toys were in there. And I watched the kids play with those toys. Something amazing happened. They shared because there was only one set of blocks that made a puzzle. They made up their own games with the riding toys, and even shared those because there weren't enough for all the kids with mine there.

And that's when it hit me. I knew what we needed to do. We have SO. MANY. THINGS. Things in every corner of the girls rooms, and closets, and all the dog toys, oh my!!! So many things no one wants to pick them up because it's even overwhelming to the little people. So many things drawers are overflowing and there's just no more stuffing anything other things in them.
I'm just so very overwhelmed with things.
So, the next day I purged one of the bedrooms. I got an entire black trash bag FULL of THINGS. And you know what??? Not one of my children have missed a single thing in that bag. I had a few moments of mom guilt for getting rid of a cash register that they love even though it's broken and doesn't work at all. There are still "too many"  toys in one of the drawers. But for the first time in forever (you know I just got that song stuck in your head, you're welcome) when I sent them to clean up their mess, they put all the toys in the drawers and NO ONE was overwhelmed. NO ONE threw a huge fit (there was a small one, but I'm still calling it a victory). It was amazing. We still have a lot more purging to do. And I know for a fact it's going to be baby steps for all of us. But if we could live in a 1 bedroom, 600 square foot, apartment for 7 years, 4 of those being with 1.5 kids and then 2.5 kids the last 10 months of it, we can most definitely live smaller than we apparently think we can in a 3 bedroom house. Our kids didn't die from lack of things. They didn't even need to be hospitalized for lack of space (although the mold almost did make that happen).
I want all of us to be thankful for what we have. To use our time, money, and efforts to build our family up, not fill up closets and attics.

So, thank you to my friends who purged and gave me the inspiration to move forward with ours. For the last year I have seen that it's not how many baby doll we have, or how many wrestling figures can fit on a shelf that matter. It's the hearts of my kids, and my husband, and myself that matter. It's how we spend our time together, not how much money we spent on a toy,  or a birthday.

We will most definitely have a lot of days where we are kicking and screaming and completely against it. I am positive that we will fail sometimes and need encouragement to keep living simply. And while I don't think every single person I know needs to throw away all their kids toys in order to learn that lesson, for us, it's where we will start. One big black trash bag, one picnic outside, one play dough bird house, one coloring book, one math lesson, one nap time, one melt down, one big huge mom fail, one walk around the block at a time.

1 Corinthians 10:31
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.