So.....here I am. 2 years and 2ish days into this "Epilepsy Mom" life. Here I am at my limit. Here I am feeling like life is just going in circles. The last four months have been a huge struggle for me. It started with Abby being referred to a neuropsychologist to have her evaluated for a whole bunch of maybes, and escalated when I got some paperwork from her neurologists office telling us that what we thought was true, was not. Even in my very rattled, very frustrated, very very tired brain, I know that the results we read do not change a single thing. The fact that her first EEG was actually abnormal instead of normal doesn't change the fact that she has epilepsy. It doesn't change the fact that she has to take medication every day. It doesn't change the fact that we have doctors appointments and tests and schedules to keep up with. It actually changes nothing in our every day life. But it did change me. It changed how I read the tons and tons of things I read all the time about Epilepsy and the types of seizures she has. It changed my hope of her outgrowing them into planning for a future where she may not. It changed my doubts into truth. And that truth scares me to death. It changed the joy I had for each day, week, month she is Seizure free into a waiting period of "when will she have her next one."
I know. I know. Worry does nothing for us except rob us of our joy. Fear is not from God. Obsessing over what I cannot change won't change it. But here I am. Stuck in a circle of doctors, tests, maybes, disappointment, and then start again. The circles are exhausting. The mood swings are exhausting. The waiting is exhausting. The maybes are exhausting.
But in the middle of my struggle, and the circles, and the disappointment, and the new doctors, there is my God. My Heavenly Father. The lifter of my Head. Every time I'm at the end of me, He's there. Whether it's in a friends text, or a parents prayer, or a husbands hug.
Last night a dear precious friend shared a devotional with me that she gets in her email every day. This one was about Joshua and Jericho. About walking in circles and thinking it's never going to end. Asking God to move just ONE brick for you so that just for today you see his hand moving in your walking. So that the (what feels like) endless circles around a giant intimidating wall feels worth it. That's what I've been doing. Over and over again. Just give us ONE answer. Just give us one brick to hold onto.
But as I was reading that tears just filled my eyes. I have been praying for the wrong things. Not that it is in anyway wrong to pray for an answer. To have some kind of relief from the crazy circles. I don't at all believe that's true. God says to bring all of our requests to Him. But He doesn't say to bring all your requests with worry. He doesn't say to bring all your requests with anger, or fear, or annoyance.
It says this: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:4-7
With Thanksgiving.
With. thanksgiving.
I'm supposed to come to Him with my requests with thanksgiving! Really?! A thankful heart?! With thankfulness for All He's done and all He will do, no matter how much it is, or isn't, "my way." Nope. For the last 4 months I haven't done that. For the last 4 months my requests have been more like demands. Or bargaining tools. Not thankful. Not even a little.
So tonight, as I read about Joshua and that wall, I'm going to soak in it. In the 6 days before the walls crumbled. The 6 days that those people quietly marched. Not always believing tomorrow would bring victory. Probably grumbling that this was the dumbest thing they'd ever done. I want to march with a thankful heart. One that knows, even if I don't get to see the crumbling of walls I WANT to crumble, God will and does and has crumbled plenty of the walls in my life in His perfect time. And His perfect way. My job is to ask, trusting in His perfect love, and rest in that.
These next few tests and results are hard ones. But my God does hard. And He does it perfectly. ❤️
