When Christmas changes (12/14/14)

This year I haven't been very excited about gift giving and getting. This year we have been fighting for a lot in our little family. It's been hard. And yucky. And just plain ugly sometimes. I haven't cared what I need to get anyone for Christmas. I haven't wanted to even think about Christmas. This one is going to be hard. And while more than anything I just want the girls to be happy,  suddenly presents under a tree don't qualify as "happy". Now,  when something happens that is hard,  and we have a win,  I am happy. When we lose,  I fight harder. And most of the time I just run to Jesus. Because He's all I have. I have an amazing husband, wonderful kids,  great parents. But even with them,  I just need Jesus. I don't want to complain. Jesus has met every need,  he's made miracles happen,  and He's given us peace and joy that is beyond understanding.
Even on the hardest days,  He's never let go. Even when I just cry,  He gives me exactly what I need. But we still live in a broken, fallen world. And even in the joy and peace,  there is heartache. There is frustration.
I just started reading Job,  and one of the commentary notes says that Job never sinned. But you know what he did do? He begged God to make it stop. He even begged God to just kill him and put him out of his misery. He knew his suffering wasn't because of his sin. But he didn't understand why he had to endure it anyway. Even when he was in the depths of despair,  even when he asked God why,  even when he was just broken, God says he didn't sin. Because even when he just wanted it to end,  he STILL trusted that God was faithful. He still believed that while he was miserable, had horrible friends, and a wife who just didn't get it, God was still in control. I am thankful for his story. I am thankful that it's OK for us to be broken and confused and even done with suffering, and God still loves us. He still holds us. And He still wants what is best,  even when his best sometimes feels very much like the worst. I will never understand the way God works and the things he allows in our lives this side of heaven. Not ever. But I am VERY glad I don't have to. I  am glad I don't know the future. I am glad I get to see the things He does when I don't know how good could come. I am thankful that while This world stinks,  and bad things happen,  I have a God who let's me come to Him with every part of the brokenness,  and frustration, and He loves me anyway.