Yet again Its been a while. I'm a busy Momma! =)
I was watching Abby and Kenzy Grace today and thinking about myself as Abby's age and what I liked, or didn't like. How I played. What my favorite things were. Then I realized I honestly didn't know. I seem to hit a brick wall everytime I start trying to remember things that happened before I was 8 years old. I couldn't tell you the date, or the season. But i can tell you what I was wearing that day, exactly where I was standing, and the exact words to come out of my dads mouth. I wont go into that now, but it always bothers me that there are only a few things that I can remember before that day, and most of those are only because there is a picture. On days like today when I struggle to break down that wall to only let the good in, I have a very hard time not letting hurt in too. But everytime I have a day like today, I am also thankful that God has given me a family of my own to make memories with that (I hope) will be remembered even without pictures. I love hearing my girls giggle and laugh, even when its not a real giggle anymore. I love being a mommy so very much more than I ever even imagined I could. To me, that is the greatest gift God could have ever given me (besides salvation, of course). Being a mommy was something I was completely terrified to try. I didn't know if I could do it, or how to do it for that matter. I am thankful that God gave me someone to show me how, even if it was later and in unexpected ways. I know, compared to a lot of people, my story isn't so bad. And everyone has a story! I'm thankful God doesn't give any of us anything HE can't handle, and that even on days when my "little" hurts seem very very big, God is always a whole lot bigger. I pray that the girls will grow up knowing that too. God gave me the best dad in the world to protect us and guide us through our lives, and then let him marry the person who helped make me who I am today. God definitely works in mysterious ways (And I think He has a very imaginative sense of humor).
I used to hate that I would feel sad or even mad. I would (I thought) rather feel nothing at all. But now that I am a mommy and a wife, those feelings mean that I am not who I was always worried about becoming. Another of Gods greatest gifts. It seems God has a very good way of turning the ugly into the beautiful in every part of my life when I let Him. My dad instilled in us that God is good all the time, and my mom made sure it was enforced.
So on the days when I feel sad, or heavy hearted, or even sometimes angry, I am glad God hears those cries and I know He has done a very good thing for my heart. So I will finish with this....
Psalm 27:7-14 Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek. Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies. Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shal strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.
